Saturday, January 31, 2004
Last nite, i stayed up late to finish "Tuesdays with Morrie". i'm sure lotsa u must've heard abt this book, it's definitely a book worth losing sleep over... shed some tears over it... i guess it really touched my heart...
Thinking about death, how to face it... Even when Morrie knew he was about to die, he embraced it positively. No matter wat, the world ain't gonna stop revolving, ppl still fought for their ambitions, their dreams, their emotions... however, if we think abt it, actually, we're all self-centred individuals, who care just about their own world, living in their own fantasy... learning to detach and see the world as a whole is not easy...
Just thinking about the death of my grandpa in relation to this... i guess he might have known his time is up... the way he bathed himself, b4 he passed away... washed his clothes b4 that... i guess he had lived to the fullest by then... and maybe because of that, we shall be happy that he left in peace... without any sickness or pain... yeah, we still do miss him, and my mum does still talk abt him sometimes, i still do think abt him sometimes, but i hope he'll be better off now? seeing him fade away slowly cos he can't absorb most of the nutrients he takes in, it really pains all of us... and maybe we do know that one day we'll lose him, and that saddened us more... and when he's really gone, we still can't believe it... he was still so hale and healthy, except for the fact that he grew thinner with each day...
i guess i've grown to accept it, but i still miss him... and life's full of regret, just like he didn't catch the last glimpse of his family, but i'm glad i did see him for the last time... rest in peace, grandpa... and we'll live stronger than before...
| posted by clouds at 11:53 AM
Friday, January 30, 2004
Just got this story thru my email, maybe some of u have read it...
A kindergarten teacher has decided to let her class play a game. The teacher told each child in the class to bring along a plastic bag containing a few potatoes. Each potato will be given a name of a person that the child hates, so the number of potatoes that a child will put in his/her plastic bag will depend on the number of people he/she hates.
So when the day came, every child brought some potatoes with the name of the people he/she hated. Some had 2 potatoes; some 3 while some up to 5 potatoes. The teacher then told the children to carry with them the potatoes in the plastic bag wherever they go (even to the toilet) for 1 week.Days after days passed by, and the children started to complain due to the unpleasant smell let out by the rotten potatoes. Besides, those having 5 potatoes also had to carry heavier bags. After 1 week, the children were relieved because the game had finally ended.
The teacher asked: "How did you feel while carrying the potatoes with you for 1 week?" The children let out their
frustrations and started complaining of the trouble that they had to go through having to carry the heavy and smelly potatoes wherever they go.
Then the teacher told them the hidden meaning behind the game.
The teacher said: "This is exactly the situation when you carry your hatred for somebody inside your heart. The stench of hatred will contaminate your heart and you will carry it with you wherever you go. If you cannot tolerate the smell of rotten potatoes for just 1 week, can you imagine what is it like to have the stench of hatred in your heart for your lifetime???"
Moral of the story: Throw away any hatred for anyone from your heart so that you will not carry sins for a lifetime. Forgiving others is the best attitude to take! Love others even if you don't like them...
Start a new year afresh.....Have a brand new 2004!!
I shall put down all my burden, all my hatred, and lead a brand new yr!! Today's weather is lovely! yup, not going jogging later, but going to tuck in all the goodies at Beach Rd Hawker Ctr... :) dun care abt my flabbiness liao :P
| posted by clouds at 3:44 PM
Thursday, January 29, 2004
I feel so guilty! not cos i ate the "tang yuan" cos it's fattening, but i felt guilty for accepting the peanut riceballs from this guy who sends me home now and then...
last nite had late nite lecture again... and dear old ML (i dunno whether i mentioned him b4?) sent me and ade home... then he passed me 2 packs of "tang yuan" been craving it and actually wanted to go Beach rd mkt with Ade and Aud one of these days to eat it... and yup, he got it for me... but then, suddenly, i lose all my appetite for it... didn't touch the "tang yuan" last nite, ate a few mouthfuls this morning for breakfast... but suddenly, it's no longer appealing... maybe cos the person who bought it for me is not "appealing" enough? i am bad...
suddenly, i feel that i'm leading everyone on... this is not gd... i am not a gd gal... somehow, why can't i have gd guy frens? nothing more? how do i show that i am this passionate to all my frens? regardless of their sex? oh pls... i am not attractive, appealing in any sense... so i really dun understand why all these is happening to me... i shall retreat back into my cocoon, back into the world where me, myself and i live in... where i feel lonely, sad and depressed in the same way... i shall be antisocial... can i? no, i do not want love, it just complicate things... i can live alone, i guess... or really can i?
| posted by clouds at 10:44 AM
Wednesday, January 28, 2004
yup, i'm growing fat, i'm sleeping a lot nowadays... just wanna run away from things, just wanna sleep thru the day, dun wanna think abt things... sometimes, it's even more reassuring to talk to P^3 and anyone else than think abt stuff... i hate it when i take the bus alone, i hate it when i have the spare time to dream, to think abt stuff...
sickened by myself... sickened by how he just told me everything and i no longer hear from him anymore... i don't care, watever he does, i don't care anymore! it's so frustrating... i thik he said all those just to make me feel so vexed, and i think he don't even care at all!!
yup, i'm just a "silly gal" as wat P^3 always calls me... maybe i shouldn't take things so hard? like wat happened 13mths ago? maybe if i just stop thinking abt it, it'lll go away? but will it come back and confront me again? just like wat happened last fri? i am confused... i should just not think abt anything... i shall not be the "silly gal" anymore...
| posted by clouds at 1:52 PM
Tuesday, January 27, 2004
cold weather, cold space, cold cblc rm, cold u and me... the dreary weather, wet and rainy... gets me down sometimes... but somehow, i feel not so cold in my heart... i am generous, i am indifferent, i can share the same breathing space with someone i once hated, i guess i'm better than ever nowadays!
u know how affected i was whenever i see him around in cblc rm previously? i would msg my galfren and complain abt it... now? i just feel so indifferent... maybe the incident has made me a different gal, maybe i'm slowly coming to terms with it not being my fault, or rather trying to push the blame away from myself... i'm slowly coming to terms with taking the compliments, abt me being a gd exco... maybe i did do some things that deserved to be applauded, or merely doing wat i think is rite wld be enuf... altho i think i did not really give in my utmost?
going for my lecture now... gotta stop thinking abt these things... silly gal... ;p
| posted by clouds at 6:40 PM
Monday, January 26, 2004
Yucks, the weather is so sucky... can't swim, can't jog, can't do anything outdoors... stay at home all day, and eat all day... i shall practise more self-discipline leh!! argh!
felt my tummy growing... this is not good... :( *sobs*
The 61st Golden Globe Awards just ended at noon... Tom Cruise didn't get the best actor... Sean Penn did... nvm, there's always next time for him... he sure looked better today then in The Last Samurai... ha ha...
no mood to blog anymore... sucky weather, so cold...
| posted by clouds at 12:48 PM
Night is fallen within, without
Come, Love, soon!
I am weary of my doubt.
The golden fire of the Sun is out,
The silver fire of the Moon.
Love shall be
A child in me
When they are cinders gray,
With the earth and with the sea,
With the star that shines on thee,
And the night and day.
~Mary Elizabeth Coleridge
| posted by clouds at 12:43 PM
Sunday, January 25, 2004
I know i'm silly to lose sleep over such things... i did lose sleep on fri... only slept for 3 hrs... argh!! felt so silly... then yesterday took time off, not to think about it anymore, wat will happen will happen, wat's not gonna happen will not... so i'll let nature take its course...
So i went PS to catch a movie with P^3. The Last Samurai was SUPERB!! Not that i'm a great fan of war movies, but i think it's rather touching, the honour part, the bushido, how the samurai's fought till the very end... but i'm just wondering when did Tom Cruise grow so fat? ha ha... anyway, the movie theatre was so cold, and the movie was so long, i can't bear it but excused myself at the last of the battles :( super OFF rite?
then was hanging out with mel and meilin again... emergency gathering... at least on my part, felt so much like chionging yesterday, especially since P^3 also asked, but i was super tired especially since i didn't sleep much the previous night... haiz~ anyway, mel was looking for her V-day gift to send to her bf... and i am just thinking, maybe i shall not get attached, then i can save some $$, hee~ something that put me off again... haha...
so how? so how's my decision gonna be? i don't know myself... on one hand, i do not want to lose the freedom i'm enjoying now, and that he seems to be a total pushover cos it's like suddenly, out of the blue, the issue came up again... and somemore, i do not feel that i can get my way everytime when i'm with him, like taking the bus instead of the mrt, having Mos instead of KFC, going to town instead of somewhere outdoors? yup, i shall reevaluate my options...
on the other hand, isn't it wat i've always wanted? someone to care for me? to support me in watever decisions i make? someone who can satisfy my emotional needs? someone to hold my hand :P ? isn't it gd that he's someone whom u can share ur innermost feelings with, before all these issue came up? i'm not so sure abt it anymore, now that the prospect comes staring straight in my face... i'm not sure about it anymore... i am in a dilemma...
I dun care whether u read this, but this is wat i feel... i'm super confused now, but i dun want u to come back again, only after 13 months and another breakup with some other gal and bring up this issue once again... in short, gimme sometime to let me think over it, but not such a long time... no matter wat, i'll want u to be my gd fren, big bro... :)
| posted by clouds at 5:38 PM
Friday, January 23, 2004
13 months ago, i felt that he liked me... but i wasn't over my crush well enough to accept him... or at least, that's how he felt... maybe that's why he just left it there, just satisfied with talking to me, just the 2 of us at Bishan stadium 13 months ago...
today, i was out with him... after such a long time, without seeing him... yup, we did keep in touch thruout the year, and i knew he has got a gf, and just broke up with her... but just didn't expect him to have feelings for me still... it was reassuring to have my hands in his... but do i really like him?
watching the sky turn from light to dusk once again, with him by my side, this time, the feeling is a bit different... nope, it's no longer at Bishan Stadium, at botanic gardens with the nice view of the swan lake... not only that, but the person is different... not him, he has not changed a bit, but me... i have changed... i'm no longer the little gal he knew 13 months ago... i've been thru a lot, or at least, i think i do... i dun think i deserve him anymore, or i rather, i dun think i deserve to be loved anymore... i'm a bad gal... somehow, i feel sooo bad... trying so hard, trying to be "happening", but issit the true me? i'm no longer sure abt myself... or am i just someone who wants freedom? scared of losing my freedom? i'm not so sure...
i am touched, that he still think i'm lovely, at least made me feel that i'm not so bad afterall, nevertheless, i dun think i'll make a gd gf? furthermore, is he sure he's not on the rebound? maybe time will tell, maybe that's why both of us have to think abt it... am i ready for love?
| posted by clouds at 11:33 PM
Tuesday, January 20, 2004
Suuuper excited! i've just developed the roll of film taken from new yr's day till now... only scanned in the ones i took with meilin and mel, cos i dun look good in the rest :( those taken with nit and sh, and sec sch frens are like spoilers... dun wanna spoil ur appetites...
here's the link : clouds1982
| posted by clouds at 1:14 PM
Saturday, January 17, 2004
Do u all know that Parkview Square is such a cool place? exterior architectural design is so unique... inside is 100XX more impressive... too bad can't take photo in the inside, else i'll show all of u out there... Super impressive, intricate designs, and did i mention the wine storage system? so impressed that my mouth must be hanging down till the floor! the restaurant inside is so much like those olden theatres, where u have the balcony seats on top, and on the "stage", there's a grand piano... wow, if i were to dine in there one of these days, that means i'm super rich... yeah, get myself a rich bf and go there hor? ha ha...
outside, there are a few statues of famous guys, eg, Plato, Newton, Churchhill, Sun Yat-Sen, Chopin... water fountains, nice courtyard... took pic with nit and huey... felt so much like tourist today... really had fun... hanging out around little india... our fave "Rupini's" is super packed today... had to go to this other family-style beauty salon to thread our eyebrows, but it's not as gd as "Rupini's", rite huey? next time, it's "Rupini's" or never yeah? ha ha... really shd go there walk, walk around to see this part of s'pore u know, interestingly colourful, a whole out-of-this-country experience...
i really look nice with this eyebrow meh? haiz... not up to standard leh? so disappointing, next time will go "Rupini's"... tho my frens say nice nice...
after that, i rushed down to amk to meet up with some of my sec sch frens, just the 5 of us... a bit disappointed that i dun get to shop with nit and huey, until i reached there and we started crapping... wow, the reunion seems to bring back sec sch memories... wow, and i never thought i could crap sooo much... i mean, even though "Mr Liquid Paper", wat he calls himself (cos he caused a "liquid paper rain" in class... long story.. and my pinafore kena liquid paper, and i think that's how i rem him too... the other time i threatened to splash acid on him when he asked me did i rem the incident... haha) i think just now, everyone was laughing till cheeks go cramp, stomach grows ache... ha ha... it's funny how we actually rem all these things?
btw, i just received a Chinese New Yr card thru the mail... guess who sent it? i've been waiting for it since last wk, and it finally got thru... yup, HS said he'll most prob send a new yr card to me, not sending x'mas card.. and last sat he asked for my addy so i've been expecting it for days... anyway, it's still quite disappointing... i think i know it'll be disappointing, that's why i refused to open until i can't hide my curiosity... and yeah, he just wrote something like "happy Chinese New Yr, All the best, may u have a prosperous new yr and luck in the Monkey year..." in Chinese and that's all... DISAPPOINTMENT! nothing personal, nothing, zilch, nada! not even a word of "take care", not even a word of "how r u?" i am disappointed... but well, i think this is not too bad to dampen too much of my mood today...
another more pressing problem lies ahead... nothing to do with guys... but it's even more pressing, more difficult to untangle... wat's happening to u? may i know where we did wrong? may i know whether i did something wrong? i guess i'm not such a gd fren to u... i guess i demand too much of ur attn, too much of ur approval, too much of ur kindness, yet, i dun put in enuf into our frenship? is that it? or am i guessing it all wrongly? or issit something to do with wat i did recently, that i dun even know that offended u? gosh, i'm clueless... pls enlighten me... or issit just that u r too busy? i am too busy? or wat? pls... if u ever need someone, i'll always be here for u... i'm gonna call u one of these days... i'm not so sure u know i'm referring to u... but u'll know in due course... i'm so sorry i don't keep in contact with u, dun call u... i guess i shall dump all the guys i'm dating now and focus on our frenship... it's a new yr, and i dun want anything to change for the worse...
| posted by clouds at 11:51 PM
January 20-February 18
Pisces is the mutable water sign and very much exist in their own universe, tuned into the emotional, receptive qualities of life that most of us cannot see, touch nor feel. In love they are dream filled and romantic, full of enchanted visions and hopeful fantasies. They're eager to share their thoughts and reveries when they feel secure, understood and appreciated. Of all the signs Pisces needs the most encouragement to feel true within themselves and to learn the validity of their own thoughts and needs.
They make the most delightful companions and are generally soft, gentle and easy going, especially if they have a role model to look up to within the relationship. This is a delicate balance that Pisces learns to control as they go through life as their projections onto their mate can be helpful if it encourages them to motivate their own lives and resources but can turn into tenacious co-dependency if the Pisces refuses to embrace their own lives, needs and thoughts.
They can be confusing creatures never able to define their roles within the relationship and constantly turning to sources outside of the union for definition and explanation. This can slowly erode the bond between the lovers/partners as the partner. A Pisces encouraged to find and embrace their answers within themselves and one who has learned to trust their own thoughts, feelings and perceptions make one of the most loving, sensual and devoted mates their is.
Pisces Sexuality
Pisces sexuality is always wrapped around those inner worlds they exist in and becomes an emotional experience that can take them on voyages into ecstasy and passion. But because they do exist within this world where things are nebulous, mystical and emotion oriented if they are projecting outwards to find validity of what they are seeing and feeling inside rather than combining the experience of the physical intimacy with the thoughts and dreams they can feel disappointed...or saddened.
If they've learned to simply using what is inside to inspire their participation in the literal reality based world they can take their lover on their enchanted voyages with them and create an exciting and enchanting sexual companionship.
The Long Term Story
There is a certain amount of inner strength combined with outer strength that is needed when involved long term with a Pisces, as they must learn to become their own sources of joy, inspiration and answers.
A weak mate who goes along with every Piscean whim or fantasy is as destructive as a mate who cannot see the validity of those things they are experiencing internally. One can create a union with no solidity or reality underneath of it and the other can cause the Pisces to further doubt their own truth and inner strength.
At the best the Pisces brings to the relationship a touch of all that is universal and mysterious. They are dreamy, poetic and romance filled beings who make life a true sojourn through the world of feelings and passions. At worst they release any semblance of inner belief and become attached to the partner or other form of projection in an attempt to capture outside what goes on inside.
Positive Traits in Love
Playful, friendly, spontaneous, open minded, caring, devoted, liberal, understanding, tolerant, benevolent.
Negative Traits
Erratic, undependable, self oriented, cold, aloof, mean,
self-centered, unable to commit, judgmental, fickle.
What a Pisces Likes
Romance, Feeling appreciated, Stability, Feeling needed, Mystical settings/enchantment, Being encouraged to dream, Sharing thoughts/dreams, Having their input valued, A role model, Feeling loved
What a Pisces Dislikes
Feeling vulnerable, Feeling alone/unloved, Having no goals to project towards, Feeling invalidated, Being ignored Crude/harsh behavior, Noisy scenes/displays, Having no dreams, Having no sense of structure
Pisces Love Keywords
Mystical, enchanting, emotional, loving, devoted, reverent, creative, confused, depressed, irresponsible, goal-less, lack of motivation or push, co-dependency issues.
All those in italics are wat i idenfy with... why do u think?
Pisces gals are soo dreamy.... ha ha...
| posted by clouds at 10:41 AM
Thursday, January 15, 2004
I never thought i would ever have a sunburn ever since jc... but i am feeling it now... nope, it's not peeling, but feels so hot and red on my skin, it's getting abit irritating... tiring day for me... think my arms are gonna ache tml... dreading it...
Sorry, tho i didn't dare say i rowed a lot, but it's so TIRING... "nua" most of the time, felt so bad... ha ha... enjoyed the feeling of drifting on the wide open sea... feeling the sunrays hitting my face... sooo relaxing... of cos, a bit the sea sick :P nevertheless, it's a whole new experience... felt so calm, relaxed drifting there, just out there, away from the land, away from worries, and distractions... (yeap, felt so vexed last nite... i knew he'll call, luckily me didn't pick up my phone, really didn't feel like talking to him anymore...) today was offshore for about an hour or so, playing in the sea was quite fun too, guess i haven't done that since the lst time i went sentosa with the cblc gang... soaking up the salty seawater, soaking up the sunshine, without my sunblock... no wonder i got sunburnt...
todays was the first day hanging around a guys sch... yeap, p^3 went back to visit his sec sch... was telling me stories about how notorious his sch was... and he and his fren , Leonard ( yeah i know it's just a name, so i realised that Leonard is quite cute, a funny guy i think, there's still the boy boy charm he possess...), was bickering, suaning each other, putting down each other, fooling around... quite envious of how close they are... frens since sec sch, and still remained such close frens... come to think of it, i dun get to have this kind of close frens... u know, when u can talk without inhibitions, and went thru alot of thick and thin... i guess for me, i have close frens, but yeap sometimes they're just not there when i truly needed them, or rather, sometimes, i shut myself out from them...
Hmm... true frens, who are my true frens? who're always there for me when i needed them? sometimes, i'm just scared that they'll find me a nuisance when i keep bothering them with minor things in life, or i'll just keep going on and on about myself, without a chance to listen to them? maybe i'm just not a gd enough person... i'm just a self-centred maniac, and maybe that's why i'm keeping this blog in the 1st place? to "show off" to everyone how "happening" my life is? but really, do i enjoy doing all these things that i'm doing? or i'm just trying to spite someone, trying to change myself, trying to occupy my empty soul?
oh boy, it's getting depressing when i think about this... i guess i always reach this juncture when i start at it... and it's so saddening...
| posted by clouds at 9:33 PM
Wednesday, January 14, 2004
i guess it's quite true that we really need something to look forward to to get us past the week... rite now, i'm really looking forward to the canoing trip with p^3 AKA Eric... last week, he was asking me to go watch "Paycheck" with him, yet i guess i didn't feel like watching it the other day... he said the movie trip is something to get him past his wk...
so if this week, i'm looking forward to canoing tml (too bad Mel and Meilin can't join us), and Sat's trip to Little India with Nit and Huey, wat will happen next wk? wat keeps me going? i really don't know...
anyway, life is gonna be such a bore when everything comes in full force... revisions, catching up... even mel and meilin are so busy with their FYPs... sighz~ (i shldn't sigh anymore, someone told me not to sigh so much, this is a new yr, a new beginning...)
hey hey, just realised it's exactly 2 wks into the new year... and 1 month to V-day, i can't help it but to *sigh* again... yeah, yr after yr, V-days after V-days... ~sighz~ ha ha... here i go again... nothing much to do now as i wait for my lecture to start... 1 and 1/2 hrs away... sianz~
| posted by clouds at 5:28 PM
Monday, January 12, 2004
I think i'm never so into fitness till this 2 wks... been for a jog this evening, tml morning going for a swim... wed might go for a jog again, thu go canoe... whew... maybe to keep fit enough for all the new yr goodies later? oops...
attempted to learn cycling, didn't succeed... i'll try again soon, hope i succeed one day... in the meantime, trying hard to focus on my new modules, yet didn't do anythg much today as well... where did all my time go? think i've been spending too much time perfecting my fitness level, still not perfect yet... haiz...
just read this from someone else's blog... quite true huh?
BrAVERY
I am the person who sits next to you in class.
I am the person who is a bit overweight.
I am the person who is laughed at because I am short.
I am the person who is picked on because I like computers.
I am the person who talks with an accent.
I am the person who isn't great at gym.
I am the person who is always to blame.
I am the person who takes the bus home in fear.
I am the person who stumbles when I walk too fast.
But I am also the person who is brave enough to wake up
and do it again the next day.
Nigel Potts
nothing much to say today... cos i'm a bit pissed... luckily he can't call me... i dun wanna hear his voice... just wanna hear everyone else's except for his...
| posted by clouds at 10:51 PM
Sunday, January 11, 2004
Yeap, Eric's my 1st new fren made this yr... just reached home after hanging out with him... the feeling was great... nope, nothing romantic happen... but yeah had a great time... hanging out under the stars... talking about life... i guess we got closer after tonight... nope, just as frens... we were quite frank with each other, sharing life experiences... barriers were broken down... i'm glad we can talk freely about our past...
background info: Eric is a 20 yr old guy serving his NS as a medic now... he's not very gd-looking or anything but got to know him on new yr's day and seems to hit off quite well with him... just realised he started chionging also only recently at around sept... i think we were in the same boat... chionging to forget some stuff...
quite surprised that he did make a good judgement of ppl... or maybe i was quite happy that he can see i'm those guai guai type even tho i chiong... oh well, i'm quite glad that we can sincerely talk to each other, no lies, no barriers... i don't care whether it's cos he just broke up with his gf of 3 and 1/2 yrs last sept, i dun care if it's boring (some were truly interesting!!)sec sch stuff, i think it's the idea that he is trusting u enough to tell it all that matters...
indeed i made a valuable fren... sounds like he's grown up from his breakup, or at least he says so... but i guess i'm quite glad he told me all abt it, altho it's quite painful for him to relive it all over again... nope, i din force him, but i guess, it really breaks down all barriers... and did i tell u he's a great pool player? and a great gentleman as well... any of u gals interested? i guess he'll make a gd bf... but not for me lah... i'm too old liao :(
somehow, i have a feeling, 2004 will be a great year from me... nothing will be worse than 2003... things will get better... i'm glad his 2004 got better... of cos, since we got to know each other!
oh well, life just seems to get so fulfilling when u have so many true friends to hang out with... to all my friends out there: Simply love u all!! thanx for being there for me when i'm angry, agitated, irritated, or just simply needs someone to listen... and i do not categorise him as one of the butterflies in my life... he feels so much like an old buddy! oh well, i think all the guys are becoming my buddies... issit a gd or bad thing? hmm... i'll take it as a gd thing for the time being 1st! :)
might be going canoing next week with him and his pals... meilin and mel can come along too!
| posted by clouds at 2:04 AM
Saturday, January 10, 2004
Life is so pathetic... having to go to sch on Sat for Lectures... Sat is a weekend!! Weekends are for us to enjoy, chill out, not to study!! *complain complain* sighz... just realised i haven't complained much about school life for quite sometime... obviously... ha ha, cos it's only the 1st week of sch...
soon, soon i'll be spouting maths nonsense in my blogs, as i get immersed in all the 5 maths module i'm taking this semester... Argh... i am disturbed!
my next driving test date is on 11th May 4.30 pm... sighz, so close to peak hours, i hope it's not too bad... *pray pray* i regretted so much not passing on my 1st attempt! i could've driven to sch and back on the days when i have "late nite lecture"... sighz, wat's done, can't be undone... or wat's failed, can't be passed... ha ha...
i am in such a complaining mood today... can't accept the fact that i am in sch now... sighz... 40 min to my last lect of the day... i am so horribly bored... and hungry (dun feel like eating tho), and tired (woke up so early), and grumbling so much... i am such a nuisance to myself today...
hope my mood gets better later...
btw, me just scanned in a recent pic i drew... kinda like it... have it as my hp wallpaper... that's the only thing i can be proud of at the moment... :)
| posted by clouds at 11:24 AM
Friday, January 09, 2004
Woke up sweating at 4.10 am today... yup, had a nightmare... just realise that i haven't dreamt much nowadays, let alone nightmares... actually, not really a scary nightmare, i find it rather funny when i think back... but it actually feels quite real.
ok here goes...
there was my hamsters cage... 1 or 2 hamsters inside... suddenly, the grilles broke, and then there's a hole in the cage... then, i saw my mum grabbing 1 hamster and put it into the cage, then she goes on and on, helping me prevent the Hammies from escaping from the cage (Quite funny, cos my mum simply hates little animals, let alone hold the hamsters...) And i was also frantically trying to grab hold of the hamsters running around... Argh!! can't seem to hold them in... and there was this hammie in my hand, trying to run away, and i was grabbing it so tightly i think i pulled off some of its fur, and yet it escaped... i was like, OOPS, felt so guilty of tearing its fur... and then the frantic process of trying to get hold of the hamsters made me so nervous, i WOKE up sweating... Phew, luckily it's just a dream... but i was so scared that there'll be hamsters running around in my bed after that...
Maybe it's my retribution for causing my hamster's death... but why does it only come now? sighz... i must be a good pet owner to my remaining lonely hammie now...
Anyway, was quite happy i got to swim once and jog 3 times this week... Record ok? ha ha... i think i haven't tried exercising so much in 1 week... the feeling is great... felt so fit after that... yet i guess i still have "chubby" face? sighz~
| posted by clouds at 10:09 AM
Wednesday, January 07, 2004
Running
Round and round and round i run
1 rounds, 2 rounds, 6 rounds, 7 rounds
Still i want to run
Away from you and you and you
i just want to be alone
a clear mind
without you and you and you
The sun is rising
The warm rays are scorching
Running in the sun
i can do so forever!
Away from you and you and you
just let me run forever...
oh gosh... i think i'm losing my poetry skills... i feel so lousy... the bottle-necked feeling!! ARGH...
| posted by clouds at 12:30 AM
i am disturbed, troubled, confused, vexed... can u stop bothering me? let me lead my own life can? i won't go out with u - period... i'm not gonna go out alone with any CBLC guys (past, present, future) can? at least not u... sorry i'm not giving u a chance, sorry i dun think u'll ever read this. but even if u do, i don't care!! I'm sorry i sounded mean, but i really can't take it anymore?
i think seriously, now isn't a time to show me concern... yeap, as Ron has said, 6 months ago, i would've needed concern... but not now... i'm happy with the things are now... things are going on fine in my life, don't come in and cause me more confusion? i hate it... it feels like the past is huanting me (no lah, only a past friend come huanting).
so u think clubbing is bad? for my health and the company i get there? i think it's fine so far... at least, i stick with my gal friends, and the guys i know are just army guys (sad, but true)... but so wat? i think i did make a valuable friend from my clubbing trips -- Ken! yup, he's someone whom i can call when i feel so much like crying... someone who can comfort me when nobody else is there... just wondering, when will he be back? or Ken has returned? nah, not gonna bug him these few days, let him rest and recover from the time lag...
somehow, i just feel uncomfortable... the fact that someone is interested in me? ACTUALLY interested? nope, i don't believe it... and maybe that's part of the reason why i'm quite resistant... seriously, i can sound confident abt my studies and future endeavours, but maybe i'm just trying to make him back off... i have low self-esteem... trying to push it to the furthest, by trying to get someone else to like me? i guess, it's really a wrong mentality... but i just can't accept U! i can go out with any other guys, no matter how much younger, how much older, but not U, ok? i guess, i just dun want anything more to do with my CCA's guys...
and thanx Ron, for being so protective of me... i'm leading a happy life now... no, i'm not kidding u... at least, away from all attachments of the activities to be done... when it's time to have fun, i'll definitely be there... but when there's work to do, i guess i just do not have enough confidence to get it done... maybe, that's why i didn't stay on as senior anymore... i guess i can't get past something that's been bothering me... i can't forgive myself for being so easily betrayed, for losing my judgement... i'm sorry to those whom i've thrown the things left half-way hanging there to help me clear up the mess... especially Yuling i think... that's why i always feel so guilty whenever i see her... maybe it's just me, being over-sensitive... but i think i can't meet up to my own expectations? i guess i've been escaping from facing it... i mean, i don't want to face it, so i run away from God-knows-wat, but at the end of the day, i'm just a loser... total loser...
Dear Ron, don't worry about me, i hope u're getting on fine as well... u're simply the best! :)
| posted by clouds at 12:22 AM
Sunday, January 04, 2004
Call me a Mountain tortoise, call me childish, but i felt really excited when i heard (yeah, didn't see, too crowded :( ) the fire crackers... went Chinatown after dinner yesterday with a new-found friend -- Eric... ;) And i saw the fireworks from the top of People's Park Shopping Centre!! Woah!! Oops, i sound a bit too excited, ha ha... It was exciting!
Then walked to Clarke Quay to get away from the crowd after the fireworks... so we were there watching the Bungee Thingie they have there... well, it's kinda expensive loh, $30 for a 10 sec experience? but i can see that it's quite exhilirating...
Well, i guess yesterday, everything i did was impromptu... initially we thought of going for a movie, then decided to go catch the fire crackers instead? then we found ourselves at Clarke Quay... Then we decided to go DBL O... Oops... it's like my 2nd time clubbing within this week... yup, this is the 1st time i'm not going with Mel and Meilin... But had fun nevertheless... Music was great, tho lotsa recruits can be seen... Crowded on Sat nite :(
Got some Fortune Cookies from Carlsberg... Ate my 1st fortune cookie! it said: "Your Career will flourish with our economy." Well, wat if the economy doesn't flourish? Oops...
Yeah i know, i think i'm leading an unhealthy social life nowadays... going out too much, too late... well, sch's starting, i'll better enjoy myself before i start mugging all over again?
Thanx Eric, for the enjoyable nite... ;) u are such a gentleman!
sighz, somehow, last nite, i was reminded of Ken, miss him a bit... wished it was him clubbing by my side instead of Eric... Oops... nvm, Ken'll be back real soon... 3 more days...
| posted by clouds at 12:57 PM
Friday, January 02, 2004
Recently, been reading other pple's blog... some i know, some i don't... reading those about how the gal really loves a guy... yet this guy either don't know, or rejected the gal straight, or act blur... lotsa scenarios... yet, it all leads to 1 conclusion: the gal still LOVES the guy deeply, unable to let go... seriously i guess i haven't felt that yet, maybe for my 1st crush, a bit of that, but i dun think i did lose sleep over him or anything... i guess there was this only one time when i felt that i really missed him a lot and cried when i saw his photos... well, that's all over now... i guess i'm never gonna feel all these now...
i'm actually quite hard-hearted, now that i think about it... we were just talking about all the "butterflies" (maybe it's better to call them "bees"?) in my life, some come and go, some are currently still in my life, yet nobody came near... sometimes, i just cut it off before anything goes further... sometimes, nothing goes further than just being friends... sometimes, i was disappointed... sometimes i might feel lonely, sometimes i just don't dare to face it...
yeah, maybe that's why i think i dun dare say i "love" somebody... cos i've never known wat is love... and i really wonder whether all the gals know wat is love, until u're really into a r/s... hmm... seriously, i would dare say i love someone if i that someone also loves me... i guess i'm just a very calculative person? i think i love myself too much to be able to love someone else on my own accord... or maybe, i'm just scared i'll end up like the 1st crush i have? painful to think about someone, yet not being able to see him, let him know that u care? hmm, maybe i would not say painful, but maybe it's somehow irritating cos that person in question do not know?
that's why i'm proud to announce that, i shall not consider HS as my 2nd crush... hmm, altho i do think abt him sometimes, yearn for his care... i guess i'm just not the lucky gal after all... yeap, i must agree, i'm not attractive, so i shouldn't expect any love from anyone... u know, i guess he's freaked out by the x'mas card i sent to him? but then, i didn't really write anything mushy or wat, just showed him concern, asked him to take care of himself... maybe just wanna remind him of my presence? but i guess it's a wrong move? or maybe he's just plain busy? somehow, i chose to believe that he's busy... but then sometimes, it's sad to see that he can come online for awhile then log off... or maybe he just put me on his invisible list?
oh well, as promised, i've let go, even before i start falling into the mess... i'm glad... tho i haven't experience how it is to love him deep? i guess, it just saves me from all the mess, all the horrible mess i faced 2 years ago? so why am i saying all these? Life isn't just about the "butterflies" or "bees"... I still LOVE all my friends out there... all those who've been thru thick or thin, in one way or another... those whom i've cried to over the phone, those whom i've spent the whole nite "cooking porridge" over the phone with... those whom i've confided in over a cuppa deep in the nite, those whom i've spent time pigging it out over dinners and lunches, sharing daily gossips... those who were there to help me when i most needed them, those that were there to support u, no matter wat decisions i made... all those who hang out with me when i feel like shopping, all those who waited for me while i try on my clothes, all those whom i've waited while u try on clothes... all of u are special to me! I just wanna let all of u know, u're always on my mind... in this new year, i want all of u to remember me as well? LUV U ALL
| posted by clouds at 9:49 PM
the 2nd day of 2004!! oops... i guess everyone must be wondering where i've been? it's quite unlike of me not to blog for so long esp when 1st of Jan is such an impt date!! ha ha.. HAppy New Year to all u ppl out there! hope it'll be a better year yeah?
yeap, i was away... feels so much like being away on holiday... reached home only last nite, slightly before midnite... soo tired that i slept after washing up, unpacking my stuff...
New year's Day was indeed a memorable one... lotsa "1st times"...
1st time counting down outside with my friends...
1st time clubbing till 330 am
1st time not needing to take a cab for supper after clubbing (Geylang Dao Huey is nice... *yum yum*)
1st time not needing to take cab back home (Thanx Law!)
1st time not going home after clubbing (Thanx MEilin!)
1st time sleepin at 7 am in the morning (excluding chalets)
1st time waking up at 1 pm in the afternoon... (still quite tired, yawnz)
1st time swimming with meilin and mel
1st time jumping into a 3 m deep pool, and still found it addictive... *ha ha* (shall go meilin's hse to do it more often)
1st time bbqing with only 2 other gals! (quite glad we managed to set up the fire without anyone's help)
1st time seeing all the food we bbq to turn soooo uniformly..... BLACK *ha ha* (shall show u all our photos soon)
thanx Mel and Meilin, for making the last day of 2003 and 1st day of 2004 so memorable for me... i think we had hell loads of fun eh? looking forward to more all-gals sleepover soon... rem LAdies Nite? ha ha...
felt so much like an escape from reality, nobody to bother me at home, nobody to "huant" me from the past... and made my 1st new fren for the year... *winks* ha ha... back to reality today... bidding for modules, sch's starting, i can feel the imminent homeworks... Argh...
New year resolutions? No more new year resolutions! i shall do wat i like, whenever i feel like it... wat's the big deal? (actually i've got loads of things i want to achieve this year, but shall not list it out... cos it's subject to changes :P)
Yawnz, shall take an afternoon nap ;) till i blog again...
cheers to a new year!
| posted by clouds at 3:20 PM
