Friday, January 02, 2004
Recently, been reading other pple's blog... some i know, some i don't... reading those about how the gal really loves a guy... yet this guy either don't know, or rejected the gal straight, or act blur... lotsa scenarios... yet, it all leads to 1 conclusion: the gal still LOVES the guy deeply, unable to let go... seriously i guess i haven't felt that yet, maybe for my 1st crush, a bit of that, but i dun think i did lose sleep over him or anything... i guess there was this only one time when i felt that i really missed him a lot and cried when i saw his photos... well, that's all over now... i guess i'm never gonna feel all these now...
i'm actually quite hard-hearted, now that i think about it... we were just talking about all the "butterflies" (maybe it's better to call them "bees"?) in my life, some come and go, some are currently still in my life, yet nobody came near... sometimes, i just cut it off before anything goes further... sometimes, nothing goes further than just being friends... sometimes, i was disappointed... sometimes i might feel lonely, sometimes i just don't dare to face it...
yeah, maybe that's why i think i dun dare say i "love" somebody... cos i've never known wat is love... and i really wonder whether all the gals know wat is love, until u're really into a r/s... hmm... seriously, i would dare say i love someone if i that someone also loves me... i guess i'm just a very calculative person? i think i love myself too much to be able to love someone else on my own accord... or maybe, i'm just scared i'll end up like the 1st crush i have? painful to think about someone, yet not being able to see him, let him know that u care? hmm, maybe i would not say painful, but maybe it's somehow irritating cos that person in question do not know?
that's why i'm proud to announce that, i shall not consider HS as my 2nd crush... hmm, altho i do think abt him sometimes, yearn for his care... i guess i'm just not the lucky gal after all... yeap, i must agree, i'm not attractive, so i shouldn't expect any love from anyone... u know, i guess he's freaked out by the x'mas card i sent to him? but then, i didn't really write anything mushy or wat, just showed him concern, asked him to take care of himself... maybe just wanna remind him of my presence? but i guess it's a wrong move? or maybe he's just plain busy? somehow, i chose to believe that he's busy... but then sometimes, it's sad to see that he can come online for awhile then log off... or maybe he just put me on his invisible list?
oh well, as promised, i've let go, even before i start falling into the mess... i'm glad... tho i haven't experience how it is to love him deep? i guess, it just saves me from all the mess, all the horrible mess i faced 2 years ago? so why am i saying all these? Life isn't just about the "butterflies" or "bees"... I still LOVE all my friends out there... all those who've been thru thick or thin, in one way or another... those whom i've cried to over the phone, those whom i've spent the whole nite "cooking porridge" over the phone with... those whom i've confided in over a cuppa deep in the nite, those whom i've spent time pigging it out over dinners and lunches, sharing daily gossips... those who were there to help me when i most needed them, those that were there to support u, no matter wat decisions i made... all those who hang out with me when i feel like shopping, all those who waited for me while i try on my clothes, all those whom i've waited while u try on clothes... all of u are special to me! I just wanna let all of u know, u're always on my mind... in this new year, i want all of u to remember me as well? LUV U ALL
| posted by clouds at 9:49 PM
