Wednesday, January 07, 2004
i am disturbed, troubled, confused, vexed... can u stop bothering me? let me lead my own life can? i won't go out with u - period... i'm not gonna go out alone with any CBLC guys (past, present, future) can? at least not u... sorry i'm not giving u a chance, sorry i dun think u'll ever read this. but even if u do, i don't care!! I'm sorry i sounded mean, but i really can't take it anymore?
i think seriously, now isn't a time to show me concern... yeap, as Ron has said, 6 months ago, i would've needed concern... but not now... i'm happy with the things are now... things are going on fine in my life, don't come in and cause me more confusion? i hate it... it feels like the past is huanting me (no lah, only a past friend come huanting).
so u think clubbing is bad? for my health and the company i get there? i think it's fine so far... at least, i stick with my gal friends, and the guys i know are just army guys (sad, but true)... but so wat? i think i did make a valuable friend from my clubbing trips -- Ken! yup, he's someone whom i can call when i feel so much like crying... someone who can comfort me when nobody else is there... just wondering, when will he be back? or Ken has returned? nah, not gonna bug him these few days, let him rest and recover from the time lag...
somehow, i just feel uncomfortable... the fact that someone is interested in me? ACTUALLY interested? nope, i don't believe it... and maybe that's part of the reason why i'm quite resistant... seriously, i can sound confident abt my studies and future endeavours, but maybe i'm just trying to make him back off... i have low self-esteem... trying to push it to the furthest, by trying to get someone else to like me? i guess, it's really a wrong mentality... but i just can't accept U! i can go out with any other guys, no matter how much younger, how much older, but not U, ok? i guess, i just dun want anything more to do with my CCA's guys...
and thanx Ron, for being so protective of me... i'm leading a happy life now... no, i'm not kidding u... at least, away from all attachments of the activities to be done... when it's time to have fun, i'll definitely be there... but when there's work to do, i guess i just do not have enough confidence to get it done... maybe, that's why i didn't stay on as senior anymore... i guess i can't get past something that's been bothering me... i can't forgive myself for being so easily betrayed, for losing my judgement... i'm sorry to those whom i've thrown the things left half-way hanging there to help me clear up the mess... especially Yuling i think... that's why i always feel so guilty whenever i see her... maybe it's just me, being over-sensitive... but i think i can't meet up to my own expectations? i guess i've been escaping from facing it... i mean, i don't want to face it, so i run away from God-knows-wat, but at the end of the day, i'm just a loser... total loser...
Dear Ron, don't worry about me, i hope u're getting on fine as well... u're simply the best! :)
| posted by clouds at 12:22 AM
