Tuesday, December 30, 2003
Yesterday i failed my driving test... *sobs* such a pity, such a waste! u know, i mounted the curb!! but i was doing fine all along, the route was the easiest, the traffic condition was not bad... but only the curbs have got something against me... haiz... could've driven before 2003 ends... just by that wee bit of margin!! Arghz!!
i'm actually feeling quite fine yesterday... i mean not as depressed as wat i think i should've felt... hey cos i'm gonna waste a lot of $$ on driving leh!! but then sometimes there's always something that can make u feel much better... so i will think of something that made me feel better... this time, the driving failure is not as bad cos i'm actually quite glad that i did well on the roads.. the circuit is just too restrictive... so maybe i'm good!! ha ha...
u know, i should've felt upset that i got B- for my MA 3233, but i'm not... cos i got to see him on the day of the paper... i got to see him and reminded myself of him... and then made me go crazy over him for the next few days.. can't forget his smile... reminded me that the 1,000 kW smile is v impt to look for in a guy... so hey guys, remember to flash me ur 1,000 kW smile... make my heart melt, make me go crazy over u for the next few days... ha ha... no, i dun think it's that easy... i just think my expectations might be too high, or i may just be too indifferent to these kind of things...
sighz... u know how horrible the feeling is? that ppl are actually interested in me? and of cos the guys interested in me are usually those i dun like? seriously, i'm not attractive, i feel that i'm a bit irritating at times... i hate to see ppl attracted to this kind of gal like me? arghZ!! i am troubled... how do i shake off these kind of guys? let those i like or admire like me as well? it's soo hard!! there always isn't "a double coincidence of wants"... i do blame myself for that sometimes... u know, i didn't realise that i can flirt... i mean, my fren who knew me from sec sch just exclaimed the other day on icq that "u flirt!!" when i was just jokingly asking him did he miss me aft not icqing for sooo long? maybe my flirting is doing some harm to me now, i shall restrain a bit... but seriously, i dun think there's anything wrong with it, other than u all might vomit cos i'm not attractive at all!! ha ha... i think this entry of mine is "vomit-inducing", sorry for causing any discomfort...
i'm going bonkers!! must be the absence of dear old ken that puts thing in disorder... how i yearn to hear his voice now... he's always a gd alternative to any other guys' voice... sigh... i do miss him as a confidante... u know how sometimes, u just miss a person altho most of the time u dun see him? i guess i always treat him as a spare tire... some guy to go out with when i have no one, some guy to go out with when some other guy i dun like ask me out... argh, i guess now my spare tire went back to US to recharge, i'm left running on my own... yeah, of cos i dun need to go out with any guy that asks me out... but i hate the thought of me being so undesirable, yet ppl makes me feel so desirable!! damn confusing eh? i am confused now!
i'm glad i'm gonna be away to seek refuge at meilin's hse tml nite... some time for me to be away from this cyberworld, away from this insane, confusing sanity... let the loud music blast away my unhappiness... let me spend my 1st new year's eve away from home... i just wish i am not feeling wat i'm feeling now...
| posted by clouds at 11:34 PM
for Women
Personality: Your sense of humor and shining personality automatically puts you in a favorable position at any social gathering. There is this very strong sense of determination in you, which means that you pursue your goals at all times. Your weak point is that you get bored of things too easily. This is due to your artistic abilities, which occupies your mind with various creative thoughts.
Love Tendency: The danger of getting bored easily also affects your relationships because your love starts quickly and fades away that way, too. You tend to devote all your time to your love interest with phone calls and pamper them with letters and presents. But this feeling only lasts until they show interest in you. Just be careful that you don't get a taste of our own medicine. You have a lot of pride and none of your relationships will be stable until your actual marriage.
Life: There's no hint of dishonesty in you, which also leads to many people trusting you. Your impeccable manner brightens anybody's day. This asset would make you a suitable contender as an employee in the service sector.
Match
Good Match: The best fitting guardians for you are AB-type and O-type Cancers, Virgos, and Pisces. They have a way to pamper you in a very delicate way. O-type Taurus will give you unlimited affection and entertain you with humor.
Bad Match: Both of you are fickle in nature and that's where the arguments usually start. But these arguments turn into huge battlegrounds that neither of you are likely to give in. You and A-type Sagittarius will split up end up in the end, while the blame for this breakup shifts to your direction. You will also not benefit from A-type Gemini because nothing you try will ever satisfy them.
just got this thru the email... i'm amazed, now they even categorise u according to blood type as well!! ha ha... ridiculous... anyway, i can't help but say it might be true... to a certain extent... i'm quite worried that i might be this kind of person: "The danger of getting bored easily also affects your relationships because your love starts quickly and fades away that way, too. You tend to devote all your time to your love interest with phone calls and pamper them with letters and presents. " maybe that's why i'm not into a r/s yet... maybe cos i dun wanna lose the feeling of loving someone, falling for someone, admiring someone from afar... once i'm into a r/s, i might forget to love the special someone, take him for granted... i don't know, i haven't been into a r/s yet ok? ha ha...
| posted by clouds at 10:41 PM
Sunday, December 28, 2003
As usual, i've gotta complain!! things always do turn up the least expected... i dunno where to begin, i dun even know whether i shall write it down here... i am so confused now!!
actually i'm quite sure abt wat i want... yet i'm also quite sure i won't be able to get wat i want... oh, to explain it in economics terms, there always isn't "the double coincidence of want", u know... since there isn't "the double coincidence of wants", that's why "barter trade did not work in the past" and that's why we have "money" ooops, i know i'm digressing... i think only i will understand wat all the above means... i guess i'm not in the mood to write sane stuff down here. i guess the thing that is bothering me is driving me crazy. and sorry, i don't think the time is right to divulge it now, yet it's driving me crazy!! Argh!!
Seriously, i don't think i am attractive, i don't think i'm desirable, i think i have high expectations of myself as well as others... yet, something regarding this is driving me crazy!! i hate it when suddenly, something unexpected pops up, ruffled my feathers. yup, i'm actually quite disturbed... maybe huey knows wat i'm talking abt... Argh!! i dun even know how to start... ok ok, dun bother about me going on and on talking in circles... things will come to light soon, i hope.
for now, just gonna retreat into my own world... yup, not gonna face new things, dun tell me new news, pray i dun have to face it all? i know u all are confused now... i am too... ha ha...
ken is going away tml, 1 pm flight... Bon voyage!
my driving test is 1.55pm... wish me luck!
| posted by clouds at 7:16 PM
Friday, December 26, 2003
X'mas day came and went... just like that... initially was feeling so dreadful, dreaded the loneliness... yup, the nite b4 x'mas was a bit lonely, but i have my "Waterboys" to cheer me up... one of the favourite Japanese Movies i watched... i remembered the 1st time i watched in the cinema, i laughed till i cried... it's simply hilarious!! made me feel really much better...
went to my granny's place on x'mas morn... was making offerings to my grandpa... it was supposed to be his birthday... he would be turning 91 on x'mas... but then he never got to it... still think abt him sometimes, tears would well up... just like now... u know how u won't ever get to see him anymore? altho it's also been quite a long time since u talked to him when he's alive? i mean it's just the loss of ur dear ones that gets u down...
later went over to huey's for x'mas FEAST... read: feast! yup... ate a lot... felt so fat after that... Soba, Curry, Beef stew, Black-pepper Chicken, Honey-baked Chicken, ice-cream, Salad, Brownies, Blue-berry pie... and a whole lot more... felt so much like a pig... but yeah, everything was sooo fantastically delicious(cos i didn't do the cooking)... *yum yum* but felt super guilty afterwards... luckily i went swim this morning... else i'll put on more wt...
today i'm on the HIgh... hee~ cos i think i'm more stable at my driving now... hope to improve more, so that on Mon, i'll get to get my driving license!! *keeping fingers crossed* gonna push all stray tots aside and concentrate on my driving, yeah?
oh, Mon Ken will be flying back... before my driving test... well he'll only have to hear the (good, i hope) news from me after he returns... Hmmz... that means can't ask him for NYE countdown then... sighz... hope i'll have fun with only Mel then...
| posted by clouds at 11:11 PM
Wednesday, December 24, 2003
After a while u learn
the subtle difference between
holding a hand and chaining a soul
and u learn that love doesn't mean leaning
and company doesn't always mean security.
And u begin to learn
that kisses aren't contracts
and presents aren't promises
and u being able to accept ur defeats
with ur head up and ur eyes ahead
with the grace of a woman,
not the grief of a child
and u learn to build all ur roads on today
because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans
and the futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.
After a while u learn
that even sunshine burns
if u get too much
so u plant ur own garden and decorate ur own soul
instead of waiting for someone to bring u flowers.
And u learn that u can really endure
u really are strong
u really do have the worth
and u learn
and u learn
with every goodbye, u learn...
~Veronica A. Shoffstall
this is wat ling wrote to me more than a year ago... now, i'm trying to remind myself of this constantly, i should let go, just like wat i did before...
| posted by clouds at 8:41 PM
Somehow, i just hate holidays... i mean public holidays... it's always a break from school alrite (of cos not in the case of x'mas) but i feel extremely lonely on holidays... yup... today is D-day for me too... been binging a bit too horribly today... i feel so fat... my face is blowing up, my waistline is expanding, i can just feel it... i hate it when i feel unhappy, i hate it when i dun control my diet... i simply feel really unattractive!
no amount of smses i send can soothe my nerves, can make me feel christmasy at the moment... it's not fun at all... Silent nite? Bullshit! wat's silent nite when u hear ur sis bickering over which tv channel to watch? wat's silent nite when the tv in the living room is not even functioning well? i really wonder why they need to fight for the tv, i mean, it's sooo YELLOWISH ( i think the blue tube in it is spoilt)! such an irony... no, should be ironies of life... well, ironies do make life a wee bit more interesting...
there's just one thing i sure am glad for... tml there wouldn't be any driving lessons... phew... all the driving lessons are wearing me down... mentally, and physically... altho i hope so much i'll pass my driving test on my 1st attempt, i guess i'm still not up to it... i hate this kind of feeling... knowing that u'll fail at the 1st attempt, and yet u have to do it... i guess it's the fear of failure, fear of disappointment that simply drags u down... been thru lotsa downs in life, and everytime, u'll just wish that u could've done just a wee bit better, performed a wee bit better than others... maybe then u'll succeed on 1st attempt. neverthess, the regret never fails to bring us down...
here i am again, my confidence is swayed. once again, i come to this point when i start hating myself, start having regrets... feeling all down... i guess i tend to think too much when i'm alone. and ever, i feel ever so alone now... maybe a msg from him helps, maybe i call from him helps... but no, he won't ever msg, he won't ever call... ciaos! i'm not gonna talk abt him from tml onwards... i'm not gonna hope for anything from tml onwards... maybe i won't wallow in so much self-pity as i am now...
| posted by clouds at 8:30 PM
Monday, December 22, 2003
Hmm... not so sure whether that's how u say... u know, all along i tot i'm the slowest at things such as gossips... now, even tho i'm no longer in CBLC. i'm quite glad i'm more clear about the recent gossips... hmm... shall not divulge too much, but just quite happy that i struck GOLD!! on ppl's blog!! oops...
i've read a blog on someone having a crush one someone (i know the 2 persons!)... well, i guess i share the sentiments for my 1st crush... well, for now, i dun think i'm feeling any tingling feeling even if i see him... just plain happy to see an old friend, u know... but well, i took a long time to get over it ok? so, even tho the person (whom i can't reveal down here) is contemplating on whether to let the guy know her feelings... i guess it'll soon die down if the guy doesn't reciprocate, or doesn't seem interested... from experience ok? i'm quite glad tho that i've been thru the crush state, and survived... nevertheless, some of the experience will definitely be on my mind forever -- the Social Nite at OCS, the dark sky with lotsa sparkling stars all over, the moments of having only him by my side, just plain talking or even enjoying the silence... i'll never forget.
yet i'll never want to experience it with him anymore... he's no longer my crush... looking forward to feeling the sea breeze, under the dark nite skies with HS again? admiring him rollerblade? sitting in the passenger seat while he shows me the techniques to driving... kinda missed all these... hmm... not so much now... i'm tired... tired of thinking things that never will come true... things that will come true? i hope they'll never come true... like me gonna fail my driving this time round... at the rate i'm driving ever so recklessly, i'm sure nobody'll let me pass... ha ha...
3 days to x'mas... 3 more days before i swear myself off talking abt HS... i shall move on... i think i did wat i could already... i mailed him a x'mas card last fri, he shld've received it by now... let this be the last entry with HS in it?
been missing Nit quite a bit... when are u coming back dear? hopes of hanging out with Nit during the holidays were dashed, when she said she'll be away for the whole of Dec... sighz...
been missing ling quite a bit too... how're u? miss hanging out with u... missed sharing the gossips, missed ur advices, missed sitting by the riverside, just watching the world go by... when do u need to buy any clothes? do ask me leh! i'll be around to help u with it! ;)
i shall not say i miss HS... i try not to feel that way, but i really do miss him a bit... wanna see his smile again... gimme 3 more days to indulge in it! just 3 more days...
| posted by clouds at 8:06 PM
Sunday, December 21, 2003
Was hanging around with Ken this whole day in town... had fun... was supposed to be my treat for the movies, but ended up he paid for it first and i din return him the money later, so it's his treat today! ha ha... was looking for a x'mas gift for gift exchange on tue nite, din manage to buy anything cos the town was SUPER crowded, dampened my mood to shop...
Infernal Affairs 3 was not bad, but kinda confusing... din understand a lot of parts! So, is leon lai a good guy or a baddie? i tot he was a gd guy, but ken said leon lai's the baddie in part 2... haiz, shd've bought and bia finish part 2 before watching Part 3 today eh?
Ken going back to LA for new yr's day... asked me wat i wanna get from US... wat do they haf there that we dun haf here in s'pore? ha ha... and he sounded quite excited abt going back... was telling me how much he missed his mum's cooking and looking forward to the turkey *yum yum* that awaits him at home (yeah, home was there, not here)... felt quite happy for him... he was joking abt how he'll nv come back when he returns, but dun think he'll be so stupid as to escape from ns. i mean he wld've done so by not coming back to S'pore AT ALL, isn't it? to think he spent more than 1 1/2 yrs serving ns already... ha ha... but i think he's nv gonna come back come Sept when he ORD... gonna miss him quite a bit... nah, just as a friend and nothing much... he's my dear old Kenny -- the one who was there when i was at my darkest period of time, the guy who makes me laugh at he's silly and cold jokes, the guy who heard me cry over the phone and showed concern... ah well but now even tho these are just memories, i'm glad they're nice ones... still building up memories of him, before he's gone and i lose another friend whom i can hang out (and exploit, ha ha~) with... of cos, i promised to visit him if i ever strike 4D... that is, if i ever get so lucky... which is highly unlikely...
Looking forward to the day when i do get to visit Disneyland in US... It's been my childhood dream, dun think i can fulfill it in the near future... i think if i were to die tml, that's gonna be one of my regrets...
it was raining all day today... the underpasses are super crowded... BORING... walking outside made me so wet, cos my umbrella too small to shelter both of us... ha ha... poor thing ken, i think he walked back in the rain after i got onto my bus... u can't possibly ask me to walk back in the rain instead? altho i felt quite bad abt it, cos he's still down with flu... i think i'm such a baddie, u know, he being sick, yet i dragged him around to shop... ha ha... nvm, it's just a once in awhile thing...
| posted by clouds at 12:09 AM
Friday, December 19, 2003
All the pple around me are falling sick... sighz... dear old Ken is sick... hope he's well enough to watch Infernal Affairs 3 with me tml... rite now, me gotta bia my Infernal Affairs 1... after i'm done with checking wat UE to take... so shd i take Jap (to prepare for my Japan trip, hopefully), German (so that i can ask HS for help?) or maybe just Japan History (HY 2232)? Argh!! i dun want too much time commitment for a simple S/U module, yet it's not enriching if i take a useless and ez module rite?
now with the SARS at bay, it's kinda scary if u fall ill with flu rite? no wonder everyone's rushing for the flu jab... but then i dun see the need for everyone to go take it wat... i mean, maybe the elderlies and small children need it, maybe even ppl who go someplace cold for a trip... but not EVERYONE? Kiasu S'poreans...
come to think of it, i haven't fallen ill for a long long time... hope i dun fall ill now... hee~ it's the holidays, must enjoy while i can. so to all my frens out there, do take care ok? i dun want all of u falling ill, leaving me hale and healthy leh... :P
and do hope ken recovers soon... ;) nice to hear his voice again, tho he sounds real sick.... poor dude...
p/s: someone just greeted me "yo... angel!" on icq... sickening, i'm super sensitive to this word loh... abit mad now...
| posted by clouds at 11:36 PM
Just got my results... almost forgot to check... was busy shopping AGAIN! haiz, really been spending too much $$...
anyway, my results:
MA3233 Algorithmic Graph Theory B- (my worst grade ever!) *sad sad*
this is the 3-qns-choose-2-qns, but-i-did-all module... was expecting a worse grade, but still quite relieved that i didn't fail it or anything... but still, i am disappointed.
MA3252 Network Optimisation A+ (yay!! my 2nd A+ in my 2 and 1/2 yrs in NUS!) <
em>didn't expect such a gd grade actually, was contented with a B+. But i like this pleasant surprise!
EC3224 Money and Banking A-
thought i'd do worse, another pleasant surprise... perhaps lotsa ppl find it difficult, including me...
EC3205 International Economics B+
expected a better grade cos i think i did quite well for my mid term... maybe something went wrong in my finals... boy, was i glad i did well for my midterm...
CH2225 Chinese Literature in M'sia and S'pore S
Phew, was scared stiff that i'll fail it and need to take another UE. was quite glad i passed it nevertheless
Overall, though i was quite disappointed with 2 of my modules, i was pleasantly surprised for another 2... maybe that's why i don't feel extremely depressed or estatic... but if i were to calculate my CAP, i was rather sad that it dropped and pulled down my original CAP. so on the whole, i should feel sad -- tho i am actually quite relieved to have survived the ordeal!
Sighz, 2 more wks before school reopens... tomorrow, CORS starts... such a rush! i hate it! seems like i haven't done anything much for the holidays... dun really look forward to anything at the moment... just dreads christmas, new yr's day and sch reopens... all the frantic rush for time begins. All over again!
btw, me just bought "infernal affairs 1", gotta finish watching it tonite before i watch the last of the trilogy tml... talking about trilogy, everyone else is more interested in the LOTR trilogy than any others... really so nice meh? i dun like fantasy movies... i'm already having lotsa fantasies down here... ha ha...
| posted by clouds at 7:41 PM
Thursday, December 18, 2003
Yawnz~ super tired now... guess i shld take an afternoon nap... after i'm done with this... yeah, reached home only at 3.30 am this morning, woke up at 8.30 am to give tuition... still not enough sleep... Yawn~
this morning, the weather is sooo gd! blue skies, white clouds, just wat i like... but well, too bad i have tuition commitment, can't go for a swim... haiz~ nvm, hope weather will be gd tml too...
last nite was hanging out with mel and meilin... mel seems pretty upset and miserable with her french bf back to France. don't be sad, mel... press on, u'll see him again in 6 mths time? but well, aren't u glad that u had wonderful memories with him? the whole 2 wks ++ seeing each other every minute, every second? i'm envious!! and mel's backpacking trip sounds fun! maybe i shall find some backpacking kakis, go walk walk around exotic places... actually, India sounds like not a bad idea to rough it out... but of cos, i'm not so sure i can take the roughness... u know, even tho i dun mind cold-showers-and-no-aircon accomodation, but i might not be able to take it with so many days away from home, finding ur own suffering... ha ha... anyway, sure needed a lot of funds to do that too...
and so, we were discussing abt our next trip, shd it be Japan or Aussie? or shall we go learn diving at the Perhentian Islands (issit how u spell it?)? the sun, sand and sea seems positively enticing... plus i can try out water sports!! wow... anyway, i'm a bit worried that i've been spending a bit too much recently... with my shopping sprees, driving, gatherings... shall control abit... but it's the holidays now! when's a better time to have fun than now rite?
yawnz... think i better go sleep...
| posted by clouds at 1:16 PM
Wednesday, December 17, 2003
Oh yeah! finally did something else other than hanging around my comp today...
went for a swim this morn with huey and peifang, saw ling at the pool, but she didn't tok to us... wat's up with ling nowadays? i really worry for her... is she feeling depressed? why? thinking of giving her a msg, but scared she'll find me irritating... ling, if u do come across here, i just wanna tell u i'll always be there for u, if u just gimme a holler!
and wat a sight today at the pool... seeing all the guys lying around, waiting to be turned into roasted pigs... huey was saying, later we'll smell nice roasted pig, and then she was commenting abt how i'll become "yun tun" if i swallow more water (which i didn't) haha... we're really hungry i guess... oh well, i must admit that some, and only some, of the guys look deliciously hunky...
later i went compass pt to return my library books... simply can't decide which books to borrow... as usual, this nerd here just wanna borrow all the books they have there... but then i won't haf time to read them, haiz... then i'm off to shop! didn't really think that there'll be so many things to shop for in compass pt, but i spent a lot leh... bought a skirt, after trying all the skirts they have in the shop for half and hr or more... blame it on the fickle-minded me... and the limited stock they haf in there, but the skirts they have are nice and affordable... me bought some pens, intending to write some of my cards i self-made (boy, am i satisfied with my artistic talent-- not much but that's the best i can do...) i bought a pair of cutey earrings too...
my past is coming back to haunt me... ha ha.. cos i promise i'll share my free movie tics with ken? then he come ask me when we watching movie, cos our plans last wk were cancelled... but then, i have already used up my free tics!! watching "love actually" loh... anyway, since i already promised, i must stick to it. so, me gonna treat ken to movies on sat... not "brother bear" this time *phew* "infernal affairs 3"? but i'm afraid i can't pick up wat the story's going on, cos me din catch 1 & 2... but recently, there's not much movies to watch leh... when's " the last samurai" coming up? looking forward to that show (dun tell me it's a war movie, and i dun watch, tom cruise is gd enough to entice me to watch it, hee~)
and, guess wat? mel and meilin's back in town... just in time for a girls' nite out tml... it's ladies nite!! goody, goody... *excited* looking forward to it! luckily i got down to doing the cards tonite, else i can't pass it to them tml...
AND dear old HS was online just now... haven't seen him online for quite some time, haven't seen him in person for AGES!! but well, but of cos, happiness is shortlived, cos he's gtg... anyway, nothing much to tok to him abt, cos i'm afraid i'll disturb him too much... X'mas is my deadline...
| posted by clouds at 12:32 AM
Monday, December 15, 2003
it's the time of the year again... christmas...
this morning, a fren of mine msg me, asking me for a mailing address, so i guess i'm gonna receive a card from her... and i remembered that i shd do the same as well... start sending my x'mas cards... there are just some ppl whom i send a card every yr, no matter how long i haven't seen them, or maybe i really have nothing to say to them except for a "how are u? enjoy ur holidays, etc..."
so i spent this afternoon addressing 10 x'mas cards... lucky souls, ain't they? sighz, but i think there are half a dozen more of my closer frens' cards which i haven't written. maybe i keep thinking that i shall meet up with them b4 x'mas so there's no hurry to send them? hope i do meet up with u all, cos i want to hand the card to u all personally, together with some chocolates maybe?
other than sending and receiving x'mas cards, i dun think there's anythg else i look forward to for x'mas... sad but true. in fact i shall be glad that i'll even receive a x'mas card from anyone whom i didn't send one...(i dun think it'll happen)
today's driving was disastrous... i think i almost got into an accident. i was so scared aft that that i contemplated giving up driving on the spot. but i shall press on. i shall get my licence, no matter how hard it gets... u can't possibly depend on a chaffeur for life? ha ha...
been filling up my chinese blog with too much "crushy" stuff... i shall stop... or shall i just indulge in it till x'mas (the deadline i set for myself)? oh well... seems like i'm going nowhere again... but i guess this time round, the crush is to a smaller extent, i will get over it soon. i won't let it get me over! *bitter laugh*
i'm addicted to this "Big2 game" i have in my lappie. u know, the game u'll play everytime during chalets? i can't ply myself away from my lappie long enuf... even when my eyes get super tired, even when i get super hungry... today, i only managed to bear with it till i finished addressing the mails... how horribly addicted i am!!
| posted by clouds at 9:03 PM
Sunday, December 14, 2003
just got reminded that this is one of my favourite english songs...
(others include: Dreaming of You by Selena, Love Me by Colin Raye, If Tomorrow Never Comes by Ronan Keating...)
All The Love In the World by The Corrs
I'm not looking for someone to talk to
I've got my friend, I'm more than O.K.
I've got more than a girl could wish for
I live my dreams but it's not all they say
Still I believe (I'm missing) I'm missing something real
I need someone who really sees me...
(Don't wanna wake...) Don't wanna wake up alone anymore
Still believing you'll walk through my door
All I need is to know it's for sure
Then I'll give... all the love in the world
I've often wondered if love's an illusion
Just to get you through the loneliest days
I can't criticize it
I have no hestitaion
My imagination just stole me away
(Still...) Still I believe
(I'm missing) I'm missing something real
I need someone who really sees me...
(Don't wanna wake...) Don't wanna wake up alone anymore
Still believing you'll walk through my door
All I need is to know it's for sure
Then I'll give... all the love in the world
Love's for a lifetime not for a moment
So how could I throw it away
Yeah I'm only human
And nights grow colder
With no-one to love me that way
Yeah I need someone who really sees me...
(Don't wanna wake...) And i won't wake up alone anymore
Still believing you'll walk through my door
You'll reach for me and I'll know it's for sure
Then I'll give all the love in the world
(Don't wanna wake up alone anymore...)
| posted by clouds at 12:46 AM
Saturday, December 13, 2003
Yesterday went KTV with Huey and the Anderson gang... just realised how long i haven't been ktving, guess i had lotsa frustration to let out... or maybe, i dun really have any frustrations to let out anymore... ha ha... anyway, i guess it's a gd escape from the outside world for a few hours of the day... just like clubbing maybe?
huey told me that other than the clubbing part that i've changed, nothing else does... maybe... maybe not, i still think i'm worse than before... being too self-centred, being too vain, too horribly lovelorn... i'm hopeless...
seems like i ain't gonna get to master cycling and rollerblading this holidays... sighz... 2 weeks of the holidays have passed, time is short isn't it? *complain*
there's like a lot of places i wanna go. yeah, like the Zoo, botanical gardens, fort canning etc... u know the nature, the sun (it's drizzling out there, sighz~), the blue skies and of cos the white fluffy clouds... seriously, i'm quite sick of the town liao... u know, Orchard, Bugis, City Hall... well, but shopping is never too boring... altho i feel myself not buying anythg much nowadays... retail therapy no longer effective? *sad sad*
might have some interesting things to share today (read: MIGHT) (dun wanna jinx it by mentioning it 1st) so, keep ur fingers crossed... and gotta go Ade's for her b'day celebrations tonite, hope it's gonna be fun :)
kinda missed mel and meilin, missed the clubbing times,missed all the gossips we shared but they'll only be back next week... and hope nothing bad happens to mel... *keeping my fingers crossed for u* but i guess mel'll be having the time of her life? *envy* shall hang out one of these days soon...
| posted by clouds at 9:10 AM
Wednesday, December 10, 2003
I caught "Love Actually" yesterday at the cinemas, it is such a heart-warming show. Love is all around I guess, just sometimes, what is not meant to be will never be urs. I liked part where the guy falls in love with his bestfriend's wife. Yet, he suppressed his love for the girl, cos he truly cherish the friendship he has with his friend. He's sooo sweet, dropping by just to say "merry x'mas" to the gal he loved so much. He din expect anything in return, he just wanted her to be happy. Din want to hurt the friendship with his bestfriend. It’s so touching. If I were him, I guess I'll move away, not see the best friend and his wife anymore. It's too painful not to, dun u think? To see the person u like be with someone, especially when that someone turns out to be ur best friend.
X'mas is a season for loving and giving. For once tho, I felt like being selfish, and wanted more than I can bargain for. I want everyone to love me, I want everyone to be with me, I dun wanna feel lonely. Yes, I know I'm selfish, but let me be selfish for once? Or am I always so self-centred? Maybe I am. That's why I can never be satisfied with the things I already have, and always ask for more.
Well, no matter wat, I just hope I will not be disappointed again and again. I missed out too much in life. I have too high expectations of myself as well as others. Maybe that's why I am never satisfied. Life is indeed too tiring this way, isn't it?
Yesterday I went to the temple with Peifang. I remembered the last time I went to pray for something like "Let Leo fall for me, (tho at that time and I still do seriously think he's not the ONE for me)" so shortly after that the whole episode of me hating the guts of him popped up. I guess Guan Yin must've known that he is a total jerk, not suitable for me. And I do thank God for that. This time I prayed for the health of my mum, for my family's health, as well as to let HS fall for me. Ha ha, I'm still as gullible as ever. But well, if anything really happens, that’s heaven's will. If not, I guess he's still not the ONE?
Well, frankly speaking, I do not believe too much in these religious things. Going to the temple is when I accompany someone, not on my own accord. I guess I'm not the faithful type. I'm so sorry to say that. Faith doesn't come easily, especially since I believe too much in myself sometimes. Academically, I feel that I am able to cope well. Maybe things did not go out of hand too much for me to need to believe in other things other than myself. I guess I might be proven wrong one of these days, but I do hope I will not be. Well, u never know.
Somehow, I feel the need to give myself a deadline for everything. Yeap, so I gave myself up to this Christmas before I forget about HS. I can't go on like this. Thinking about things that never come true.
| posted by clouds at 11:13 PM
Monday, December 08, 2003
If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:
If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two imposters just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:
If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"
If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with Kings - nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds'worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you’ll be a Man, my son!
~ Rudyard Kipling
| posted by clouds at 8:08 PM
Or maybe the passion for the movie I had a couple of months ago died down? I guess I'm this type of person - the type who can be passionately pursuing something at one time but later switched interest. Which can be a bad point or a gd point depending on how u see it. I hate to evaluate myself over and over again everytime I blog, but as usual, u can see that whenever I blog, I am usually bogged down by some emotional matters.
I guess I should quit thinking about HS AKA Mr Smiles as my crush. I will never see his smiles again, I will never learn roller-blading from him. My self-confidence comes crushing down, cos I guess I will never be able to see him again. Yup, I should not blame him, cos he is busy with his project. But I guess I shall not think about him for now.
I dun remember since when do I start feeling this way - the need to keep someone on your mind so that you will not feel empty. I think this is bad. Not only I feel emptier( cos nothing is gonna turn out), I feel lonelier (cos of the self-induced pressure I put on myself). When can I learn not to keep making the same mistake over and over again? Or I will keep living this way forever? Here I am re-evaluating myself again when I said I won't.
On a lighter note, shall I describe how my chalet turned out? Those few days at chalet were exciting. No, I din do any exhilarating activities but yet, there were lotsa saucy stuff going round. One of which is that TY (my ex- JC class chairperson also in my ex- CCA now) has made his moves on this gal he's interested in, I'm rather happy for him. To quote Huey: "feels so much like marrying off our brother!" ha ha, indeed, we're both quite happy for him. He is indeed a very nice guy. I'm glad things are going on well for him :-) omigod, I feel so old talking like this, like I'm some old sis of his. Ha ha, well, all the best to u, TY!
One wk of the holidays have passed, time really flies. I hate the pace of time, I'm never gonna catch it till it's gone.
| posted by clouds at 8:05 PM
Thursday, December 04, 2003
recently been visiting the library and borrowing books to read... poetry, and jap drama chinese novel... i'm a hopeless romantic... the below poem is wat i got from this book called "101 Poems that could save your life"... well, some poems in there are really encouraging and inspirational... save a life? hmmm, maybe not but at least it's consoling to know that u do identify with wat some of the poems want to convey... and yes, u're not alone... so step out, and embrace the world with open arms!
Yesterday morning went jogging... i tot i'll most prob only run 3 rounds without stopping but i was quite surprised that i can last for 7 rounds without stopping!! ha ha... still like swimming more, tho jogging can be equally satisfying... however, today the jog is taking its toll on me... the aching thigh muscles and stiff back i suffered is agonising especially when i have to go into the driving circuit for my 1st time... it's so hard to control the car with 1st gear, u run the risk of the car stalling! yucks.. so i get a more tired out left leg today... my hopes of an evening jog is dashed... shall i go jogging or swimming tml morning?
lunch was japanese style... tofu and the sauce that huey recommended... me refrained from eating the chicken rice i bought, and it was gobbled down by my sis, which was a gd thing... ha ha... me found a scapegoat!! so i just ate tofu for lunch... been trying to control my diet, not eat so much... must get rid of the bulk that i think i gained from the exam period... so i've been enthusiastically working out, and dieting... but i simply can't resist good food... especially ice-creams and chocolates!! hee, yesterday ate at swensens... yum yum, "gold rush" was delicious! no wonder i simply needed a run today (but dun think i'm going anywhere)...
well, i guess lotsa ppl not in s'pore these few days... or at least going away for a short trip or some camp... in any case, me too, i'm going chalet tml! ha ha, so dun miss me too much! :)
| posted by clouds at 3:09 PM
Even if you can't shape your life the way you want,
at least try as much as you can
not to degrade it
by too much contact with the world,
by too much activity and talk.
Do not degrade it by dragging it along,
taking it around and exposing it so often
to the daily siliness
of social relations and parties,
until it comes to seem a boring hanger-on.
~C.P. Cavafy
| posted by clouds at 2:51 PM
