Thursday, October 30, 2003
Love and Friendship
Love is like the wild rose-briar,
Friendship like the holly-tree—
The holly is dark when the rose-briar blooms
But which will bloom most constantly?
The wild-rose briar is sweet in the spring,
Its summer blossoms scent the air;
Yet wait till winter comes again
And who will call the wild-briar fair?
Then scorn the silly rose-wreath now
And deck thee with the holly's sheen,
That, when December blights thy brow,
He may still leave thy garland green.
~Emily Brontë
| posted by clouds at 9:39 PM
Wednesday, October 29, 2003
should i? shouldn't i? should i? shouldn't i? SO should i go for jane's party? i think not... but i really wanna get out this wkend! it's getting so stifling at home, i can't study without rewarding myself a bit... but me not too close with jane lah... so dun think i'm gonna be there, be equally bored down at her house... so how? so how? wat shld i do this sat?
kill me for my shallowness, kill me for being so wild nowadays... i hate to think that i'm always thinking of hanging out, when i shld be studying, u know. luckily, noone else jio me go out, else i'll be really wild... now i only feel wild in my heart and soul... no amount of poetry can sooth me down, no amount of classical music can appease my hunger for attention... no one can save me... if i don't want to be saved, isn't it? shld be doing my tutorial for tml morning, but yet, wat am i doing now?
i wish i was a cactus
i wished i only needed the sun to brighten up my day...
how i wished i needed nothing else but the sun...
but no, i needed ur care and concern,
i needed the bright lights as well as the soft music,
but yet, i have all the spikes and flesh...
nobody dares come close...
so i'm indeed the ugly cactus, which seems to need noone...
yet, deep down, i have the heart of a tulip, which needed careful attention
i have the warmth of a sunflower, but u have to be close enough to feel it.
yet nobody comes close enough
| posted by clouds at 10:35 PM
Tuesday, October 28, 2003
I feel so guilty... been making use of ppl nowadays... just like yesterday me took a "stranger's" car back home, luckily he didn't bring me to "sell" ha ha... no, lah, dun think it matters since my fren is also sharing the ride... he'll have to "sell" the both of us!!
ok, so maybe i give a profile of this guy i just knew... he's yr 2 engine guy, whom i got to know when he bought my ec tb... then he asked me whether he can keep my no, and i can't possibly say no rite? so, anyway, i tot it'll end with the closing of the deal, but apparently he asked me whether i got the ec notes as well, so i thought he needed the notes, so i went thru my garbage and finally found the notes, thinking i could maybe get a few bucks more out of it... but then he msg me, saying that actually he dun need the notes, just wanna see me again... *such a joker* anyway, i'm not too interested, but since he drives, so i suggested maybe i can get a ride from him sometime, which is yesterday... ha ha, at least i get home in time to watch half an hr of Holland V!! *evil* i'm really rather evil hor? cos me not interested in him still lead him on, anyway, he drives horribly reckless i feel... dun really dare take his car anymore...
so yeah, i guess exam periods make me feel super lonely, and i always do something reckless during exam periods... remembered last sem i was out sometimes to have breakfast with somebody at s'goon gardens, and went bishan for jap food after i registered for my PDL... then the previous sem was still stupidly crazy over my crush and got into somemisunderstanding with my real close friend... let's see wat i'd do this sem?
Jane's throwing a Halloween Party on 1st Nov at her hse, dunno whether i shall go, but dunno who'll turn up, apparently the NTU ppl are having their exams so they, can't make it, which narrows down to only the few NUS ppl from our class, but then it's during the exams period, i think not many would turn up too i guess... i'll see if i feel like it, but then i think she wants us to dress up in costumes, so that really puts me off, maybe i won't go after all...
| posted by clouds at 12:41 PM
Sunday, October 26, 2003
recently, i think that compliments really make my day! ha ha... making me all big-headed now...
u know wat... my ex-crush added me on friendster!! and zoooom, in comes a testimonial from him... i reckon he must be super bored... but anyway, i dun care, just felt great that he remembers me :) and i then i'm off to typing his testimonial, i'm the 1st!! ha ha... so much for saying that i'm over him, apparently i'm not totally over him... but one thing is, i'm not interested in him in a romantic sense anymore... no longer fantasize abt how it wld've been to have him by my side... just felt priviledged if i got any contact from him... and i guess u all can sense my excitedness eh? just some of the perks to get my day going!
that's why i finished my revision for today, finished the chapter i planned to finish, hee~
nowadays, friendster really made me feel so great! 1st it's the reunion with my long lost pri sch frens... don't like the part where they say i still look the same as ever... still as geeky? then it's the realisation that ppl actually remembers u!! :)
nowadays, i think this is good enough to get me going, study a bit here, go online a bit, go give some tuition, cos nobody else is willing to hang out with me? that's wat u get for being super distracted... of cos blogging is actually a very impt part of my life... i'll grab my diary and a pen if inspiration comes along and i'm not online... then later type wat i have tot abt...
| posted by clouds at 12:48 AM
Saturday, October 25, 2003
a lot of things in this world, once done are irreversible...
- if someone lies to u once, u'll never believe in him anymore, sometimes even hate him...
- if someone makes u lose ur trust in him, u'll never trust him anymore...
this year, i think i experienced a lot of things that are irreversible...
- my grandpa's death... i guess he's really someone whom i'll miss, tho i haven't been talking much to him these recent years, but he's the one who pampers me the most when i was small...
- the two piercings on my each of my ear lobes, i was so excited abt getting them just before my 21st bday, cos it would remind me of how i've achieved a new pain threshold. prior to this, i went thru an agonising time in the hospital, don't worry, nothing serious, but equally painful... but now, somehow, it reminded me of how i made a fool of myself when i made the wrong judgement -- leo
- my hatred towards leo. name is self-explanatory...
- me passing the 21 yr old hurdle -- approaching 22 liao :(
- i'm hooked onto clubbing... no lah, not very enthu abt it, but realised it can be quite fun, less the smoke...
- i'm on my way to a driving licence, and there's no stopping me, cos i've already sunk so much $$ in it, i can't give up now...
- i think i lost my LIFE, u know, not being in my cca anymore, makes life more boring than usual...
- last but not least, my mole on my lip... yuck i hate it! i suspect i'm down with cancer of some sort, cos u know they always say that when u have a mole on some real weird spot, it's likely to be something wrong with ur body... so, i'm gonna cherish my time... i sound pessimistic? oopss...
- my tan... hmm, dun think i'll achieve the fairness before... tho i haven't been swimming for quite sometime...
irreversible changes? do u think there'll be miracles? do u think i can make changes?
where's my fairy godmother? haha... i must be dreaming again, i just have to live with all these changes, try to get the best out of it...
u know, those ppl who knows my blog, it's irreversible, i can't retract the webpage from u all, brainwash u all so that u all forget the webpage... i know, i can start all over again on a new webpage and not let u all know, but hey, then i'll have to start all over again... hee... just a thought, dun worry, i dun mind u all reading my blogs...
| posted by clouds at 1:29 AM
Wednesday, October 22, 2003
have yet to actually see a firefly, but it's amazing that such a creature can emit light, and show the way... i would really like to see one... well, but the city is so bright sometimes, looking out of my window, i see the lights of city, the buildings at shenton way, the suntec city, millenia walk, the capital towers... sometimes i do yearn to be in the city bright lights, sometimes, i just wish that i'd be in the city of darkness... and surrounding me would be the deep quiet nature, buried in the vast serenity... take a deep breath, feel the moisture in the air, the trees breathing, the flowers blossoming, the fireflies are the only ones to lead my way... stare up in the sky -- u'll see the bright bright stars up in the sky... welcoming u into the dark world... i really miss those bright stars, the silence in the air, and coexisting in the silence will be fantastic! i guess fireflies are just like the stars, they're always there for us... but urbanisation has made the world so bright, so unwelcoming for them... that they don't show up for us...
when will i get to see the stars and the mysterious fireflies?
“Look, O look, there go
Fireflies,” I would like to say –
But I am alone.
Taigi
| posted by clouds at 11:15 PM
Tuesday, October 21, 2003
Wat is more demoralising? going onto icq and finding noone online to chat with? or going online and finding the list of ppl online is rather long, and yet u don't think u have anything to say to them, or just don't wanna make the 1st move to say "hi"? sometimes, i just lose faith in friendships (no, not only online friends)... yeah, so sometimes i do not want my presence to be felt by putting invisible instead...
recently been hooked on to friendster... i can check out the friendster every nite, and not get tired, sometimes i'll write testimonials for my friends, sometimes i'll search for longlost frens to add onto my list, sometimes i'll just approve my testimonials ppl write for me... looking thru the testimonials, i think they make me rather happy, and i guess that's wat frens are for, but when u think thru it... actually, true, wat they have written is true, but wat abt my bad pts? nobody dares write abt my bad pts... i can't believe i'm just good... i mean yeah i can be a good company, hardworking, nice(?), good-natured, quiet and demure... but i can be very irritating, very whiny, very persistent in things that are not good for me, lazy, try to "siam" things that i need to complete ie irresponsible sometimes... the testimonials does bring ur spirits up, to remind u that actually ur frens do rem u, but i guess it's really a biased interpretation of who i really am?
if i really am so good, why am i feeling so lonely every now and then? even now? when i'm online and nobody msg me... sometimes if i don't feel like chatting, i'll just not log in to my icq, but if i'm online, most prob i wanna chat or someone i wanna chat with is online, but of cos, i won't ever make the first move if i don't feel like it, just like now... so rite now, nobody is chatting with me too... oh well, i'm falling into my "loneliness" mode again... this is not good... but i guess i feel extremely lonely when the exams are nearing and everyone else is bz making the final touches for their projects, everyone esle is in the " don't bother me" mode...
and yeap, no mood for haikus today...
"don't mess with me"
| posted by clouds at 12:02 AM
Sunday, October 19, 2003
In the autumn rain
An umbrella and raincoat
Pass by, conversing.
the day is getting gloomier, the sky is getting darker, the rain is imminent...
i finally found a website that supports chinese blogs... here's my new chinese blog where i can blog in chinese when i feel like it :)
| posted by clouds at 2:57 PM
Saturday, October 18, 2003
Just came back from a short visit to the TPY National Library... Borrowed this book on "Haiku -- The Poetry of Zen" cos i wanted something simple and Un- novel to read, other than my textbooks... and i guess it's really quite a gem! it's short and sweet, just like haikus... Lots of haikus from the 4 seasons, maybe i shall put up one everyday in my blog?
and Haikus are sooo Zen... u know how the idea of Zen originated?
A monk once asked his Master, " No matter what lies ahead, what is the Way?" The Master quickly replied, " The Way is your daily life." This concept is at the very center of the Way of Zen. The principles that govern the Way are directed toward all of our existence, not just to the part that takes place in the meditation hall. The challenge of Zen is to meet, each day, each moment with a clear mind and a cleansed spirit, so that the moment to moment union with existence becomes the highest teaching. This is the heartbeat that makes Zen today just as significant as when it was first brought from India to China by the wandering monk Bodhidharma in the year 520.
so reading haikus can have a really calming effect on our mind. i can feel my soul slowly purified, the chaos in my head slowly oozing out *exaggerating* i think haikus are so pure, so simple, yet so profound...
Zen has many flowerings, arts, and disciplines to which the Way (do) has been applied to create yet other forms of meditation and learning: chado, the way of tea; kado, the way of flowers; kendo, the way of the sword; kyudo, Zen archery; judo, Zen self-defense; shado, Zen calligraphy. The underlying dynamism of all these arts is the full perception of the moment – being here and now – and this force is nowhere made more profound than the subtle art of haiku.
and this trip to the library was rather fulfilling... shall reread all the haikus again, and select one for each day to put on my blog... at least for 2 wks? it's gonna keep me occupied during the days when i'm at home and feeling super stressed up...
for today:
Autumn afternoon…
Without a ripple three white clouds
Cross the pond.
Patricia Neubaumer
to commemorate this Autumn Afternoon, when i relive haikus since Sec 1... :)
| posted by clouds at 4:08 PM
Finally my new blog template is up... liked this one better, cos it's closer to my theme -- "Clouds".
So today, 18 oct 2003, i'll have exactly 1 month before my 1st paper for my exams start... i still feel that i'm not even halfway through for all my modules... argh!! but no need for alarms yet, i'm still taking it nice and slow... oops... But then, isn't there a saying, "slow and steady wins the race"? i hope i'm steady enough, cos i'm extremely slow... ;)
These few days haven't been feeling like going to school... skipped lecture today again, just to give tuition... it's real tiring to go ALL the way to Clementi just for 1 & 1/2 hrs of lecture, isn't it? i think my travelling time is 2x as long... well, at least i get to earn my keeps by giving tuitions... * i see my bank acct growing * but soon it'll be drained again, cos driving takes up lotsa $$ also, and i don't foresee myself passing on my 1st attempt... haiz... and there's this Australia trip... Sighz...
just now, my junior msg me at around noon, told me that she flunked her maths module, got the lowest grade among all... and she was saying how she will flunk the test later in the afternoon, and on sat... she's always been a gal with a rather low level of self-confidence, and she's super sensitive to how ppl view her, always pessimistic about life... and i always try to encourage her to think on the positive side, but she fails to do so again and again... i think the best i could do is help her with her maths module, but i haven't been doing much either, cos she seldom sees me around... well, i'm either at Arts or i'm either near home, giving tuitions... i am really bad at giving advices, and don't really sound convincing enough, cos my ideals often get swayed or influenced halfway... and i feel really lost for her... furthermore, she told me her family problems before, so i feel for her even more... but alas, all along, i'm the person who's been taken care of, i don't really take care of ppl that much, come to think of it... so who do i think i am? to try to help her? sigh~ i'll still try my best...
rainy days really gets me down... i received her msg when i was raining... tho i went swimming this morning in the hot sunshine, it didn't last till noon... sighz, dampened my mood for the whole day...
| posted by clouds at 12:40 AM
Tuesday, October 14, 2003
i never thought that shopping alone can be a different kind of fun too... no, i've been shopping alone before, but today i really paid attention to the different kind of feeling... it's like, u don't need to worry about ppl waiting for u when u try on clothes, ponder over whether to buy or not... but well, one bad thing is that u won't get a 2nd opinion...
maybe next time i can try watching a movie alone? i hate to wallow in depression, complain about nobody being able to accompany me to watch a movie... why don't i just get my butt out of the house and to the cinema just to catch a good movie? don't care abt wat others might say... maybe that's the day when u finally see the independent woman in me -- right now, sad to say, shopping alone is the furthest i can go... i've i happen to succeed in watching a movie alone, i'll celebrate it by going travelling alone...
and maybe u would feel that it's not such a big deal to do things alone, and if i really mind so much, why not just stay at home? true, but how long can u stay cooped up at home? anyway, i have done other things alone, like swimming, sometimes going to the gym, so it's not such a big deal anyway...
and why do i keep having all these gray thoughts in my head? and why do i keep harping over my social life? maybe cos i dun usually talk about them to a lot of ppl, maybe this is an outlet for me to vent all my frustration... sorry, dear friends, always have to hear my complains, ramblings... it's rather unhealthy for both u and i rite? i'm really sorry...
yup, maybe u shld pick up a new hobby, not that i do not have hobbies, but maybe i'm not busy enough to be fully occupied, so that's why i keep thinking about other things, but on the other hand, i shd be doing my readings!! ha ha... yeah i admit, i just do not wish to touch my notes... Argh!!
i have a sudden passion for learning scuba diving... to see the underwaterworld, to see all the colourful corals the beautiful fishes... but maybe i'm just getting a bit too ahead of myself, since i just learnt how to swim... maybe i shd just perfect on my freestyle, and learn my frogstyle...
tml i'm gonna skip my maths tutorial... it's gonna be the one and only tut i'm skipping this semester, i hope... :) so tml is a self-declared free day!! i miss having weekdays as free days...
| posted by clouds at 10:17 PM
Sunday, October 12, 2003
it was around 3 years ago when i first set my eyes on this Swatch Watch... It's a skin watch, the strap is made up of silver chains which made it look v nice and classy... maybe it's not fantastic, maybe it's not absolutely luxurious, but i just liked it a lot...
i will always keep a look out for it whenever i pass by the Swatch counters in department stores or Swatch Shops. and u wld ask, why don't i just buy it? it's not extremely expensive, maybe just take a couple of month's savings and i'll have it in my possession. But i never got to buying it...
I believe in keeping the sense of mystery, of just enjoying looking at the watch through the display unit, the glass between me and my beloved watch... sometimes, just yearning for it is so satisfying... at least there is something to keep a look out for whenever i go shop?
wat if i possess the watch one day? will i still feel as great? i don't think so... i might wear it everyday, for the practicality of keeping time, but soon i'll forget the time when i keep yearning for it, the satisfaction i derive by simply staring at it through the glass, not touching it, not feeling the cool silver chains on my wrist... soon i might even lose interest in it, go on to admiring a new watch, desiring for the watch... am i really so fickle-minded? i don't know, cos i never got to possess the Swatch watch in the first place...
altho i still love it dearly, i do not hope to own it. maybe it's just satisfying enough to think about it, just like at this instant? maybe i'll lose sight of it when they totally stop producing it, and all's sold out... maybe that's how i feel nowadays, haven't been seeing it everytime i go shopping... initially, the sense of loss will overcome u, and u would regret not buying it cos it will not dampen ur savings by a lot., and u would go around searching for it... but now, i simply do not feel anything anymore... maybe right now, i've been searching for a new watch to replace my beloved watch in my heart, but i haven't found the right one... no watch seems to fit the bill... the feeling of emptiness is rather depressing, but i guess i'm ok with it... at least i won't need to keep a look out for it anymore?
so, what if i see my beloved watch again? will i buy it immediately? keep it in my possession? cherish it more than wat i think i'll do if i bought it before it was off the shelf? hmm... i guess the interest just sorta died down, although it'll be my beloved watch forever, i guess possessing it is not a gd way to satisfy my yearning for it... maybe the distance between me and the watch is optimal now...
well, well, u must be suspecting does this story hint anything abt wat i experienced today? nope, really nothing much has happened... just shopping around with mum... but this watch story just came to my mind so i thought of blogging... actually, this watch story came about when i saw that watch that one fateful day, and the story has developed to this stage, just like wat i've been experiencing with my one and only ex-crush... nothing ever happened, and nothing will ever happen... i'm proud to declare: "I'm finally over him!"
| posted by clouds at 12:26 AM
Saturday, October 11, 2003
so nobody is free for me? am i so pathetic? my ren2 yuan2 so lousy? no lah, maybe a BIT lousy... only a bit? msg almost everyone on my phone bk(selectively- left otu some of the not so close frens, or the definitely v busy ones, and ken,din ask him, hmm maybe i shall not see him again, it's for my own gd...), and all gimme similar reply... ha ha... everyone else is busy with their own life... busy with assignments, tests, projects, quizzes...
and me? been so relieved that it's all over and now only waiting for the final exams... yeah, getting all yaya over it rite? i know, i'll get my retribution real soon i guess...? maybe i shall stay at home tml, start mugging for the finals... since life is so boring... yeah, u must think i'm crazy to study when i'm bored... but wat to do? maybe i'll go swim tml, and shop ALONE, maybe not? well, we'll see... i really miss the feeling of bringing home bags and bags of things that i bought, but well, shall save up for my future, so won't spend too much... oh well, maybe i just won't go out tml... it's a long time since i played with my hamsters... maybe i'll do just that tml?
u know, i was quite shocked to see one of my hamsters with something like a cut above his right eye... guess they must be fighting alot, and then yesterday, i saw that "injured" hamster-- fei fei (cos he fatter)-- with a swollen right eye again? cos his right eye can hardly open? omigod, really gotta separate the two, but i can't bear it... i mean, they're gonna be soo lonely... so wat shld i do? and i've been a really neglilant owner, but wat can i do? maybe that's me, i'm always the one who likes new things, neglect old things, dun care anymore abt ancient things... always the case, this is not gd...
maybe i shall zzz now... blog again when i have constructive and meaningful things to say, sorry to bother with my ramblings and complaints nowadays... :(
| posted by clouds at 12:50 AM
Friday, October 10, 2003
Wow, how small can the world be?
that we're actually connected to this whole network... and we can see it thru the friendster... cos everyone seems to know everyone else it seems... hmm... well issit a good thing or a bad thing?
sometimes when u see that ur list keeps growing but in fact, do u really know everyone so well? i really hate to say that even if my list keeps growing, it's just cos i got to know that person at some pt in life and then both of us just moved on... it's no tlike we'll come back together or wat? so wat if u're connected now? it's still gonna be the same as we've not added each other, don't u think ? well, it's always rather depressing to find out so rite? haiz~
well, must congratulate me ok? for being able to see thru things... for being able to maintain my intergrity, for being able to let go off all the ramblings abt not being able to go out with this guy or that... life certainly is boring, but hey, concentrate on my studies, be some nerdy gal, who can earn big bucks in future, live on my own, and study some more... and earn $$ till i die... sad rite? but i guess i'm gonna live this way for the rest of my life... anyone wanna join me? leave me a note... ha ha...
so now, my current goals: study like siao, get 2nd upper, get a nice cushy job, climb my way up the corporate ladder and get my apartment in district 9 or 10, own a cutey maltese, drive a nice auto car, travel every yr...... go club every wkend, facials, spa, manicure, gym, shop till i drop... hee~ ever so ambitious... and i'm gonna dread growing old... maybe i won't grow so old... i can't imagine being old, maybe i'll die of cancer before i'm 40... maybe i won't be able to live past this yr... or maybe, even tonite? well, dun worry, i sound sucidal, but i'm fine actually... i'm too afraid of death to die... and i haven't achievd my first goal yet...which is to get my 2nd upper... i'll work hard... there's no one to depend on, other than myself...
i'm just a material girl, living in this material world, u can't blame me, but i can't help blaming myself... why am i so pragmatic?
| posted by clouds at 12:17 AM
Tuesday, October 07, 2003
My mailboxes are flooded!
that's the result of not checking mails for more than 4 days!! i guess i've achieved it! i've successfully avoided comng online for more than 3 days... so, actually it's no big deal... was actually quite surprised that i can actually tahan so long... and was MUGGING!! can u believe it? i didn't go out during the wkends... well, or maybe cos nobody to tempt me lah... sad case hor?
Anyway, just heard from ken this afternoon... was telling me that his unit was on today's straits times... [click here] btw, he's in military police, not those in the detention barracks, ha ha... yeah and that's all... recently, i dun feel too much like socialising... i'm super down cos of my stupid pimple outbreaks...
it's a long story...
anyway, maybe share my thoughts abt ken next time i blog...
just got this nice and touching piece thru my email-- abt the tree, the leaf and the wind... yeap it's kinda long, but read it when u all have the time... dun worry it'll still be in the archives... :)
Tree
===
The reason I'm called tree is because I'm good at painting trees.
Overtime I start to use a tree on the right hand corner as a trademark for all
my watercolors painting. I have dated 5 gals when I was in Pre-U.
There's one gal who I love a lot but never dare go after her. She doesn't
have a pretty face, doesn't have a good figure, doesn't have outstanding
charm.She is just a very ordinary gal.
I like her. I really like her. Like her innocent, like her
frankness. Like her cuteness, like her intelligence and her fragility. Reason
for not going after her is because I felt somebody so ordinary like her is not
a good match for me. I'm also afraid that after we are together all the
good feelings will vanish. I'm also afraid other's gossips will hurt her.
I felt that if she's my gal, she will be mine ultimately & I don't have
to give up everything just for her. The last reason, made her accompany
me for 3 years. She watch me chase after gals, and I have make her heart
cry for 3 years.
She wants to be a good actress and I'm a very demanding director.
When I kissed my 2nd girlfriend, she bumped into us. She was embarrassed but
smile & say "Go on!" before running off. The next day, her eyes was
swollen like a walnut. I purposely didn't want to think about what
causes her to cry but laugh at her the whole day. When everybody go back
home, she was alone crying in the classroom. She didn't know that I
returned from soccer training to get something. I watch her cry for an hour or
so.
My 4th girlfriend didn't like her. There was once when both of them
quarreled. I know that based on her character she's not the type that
will start off the quarrel. But I still sided with my girlfriend. I
shouted at her and her eyes was filled shocked. I didn't care about her feelings
and walked off with my girlfriend. The next day, she still laugh & joke
with me like nothing has ever happened. I know that she's very hurt but
she didn't know that my heart ache is as bad as hers.
When I broke up with my 5th girlfriend, I asked her out. After going
out for a day, I told her that I have something to tell her. She told me
that coincidentally, she has something to tell me too. I told her about my
break up and she told me about her getting together. I know whose the
guy. He has been going after her for quite a while. A very cute guy full
of energy, lively and interesting. His pursuit for her has been the talk
of the school.
I can't show her my heart ache but could only smile & congratulate
her. When I reach home, the heart ache is so strong that I can't stand it.
It's like a heavy weighted stone on my chest. I couldn't breath. Wanted
to shout but can't. Tears rolled down & I broke down & cry. How many
times have I seen her cry for the man that doesn't acknowledge her presence
too.
During graduation, I read a sms in my hp. It was send 10 days ago
when I broke down and cry. I haven't read it since then. It says "Leaf
departure is because of Wind pursuit. Or because Tree didn't ask her to stay"
---------------------------------
Leaf
===
During Pre-U days, I like to collect leaves. Why? Because I felt
that for a leaf to leave the tree she has been relying on for so long it takes
a lot of courage. During the 3 years of Pre-U I was on very close terms
with a guy.
Not BGR kind but as buddy kind. But when he had his 1st
girlfriend, I learnt a feeling I never should have learnt - Jealousy. The
sourness in the heart can't be describe by using a lemon. It's like 100 rotten
sour lemon. Sourness to the extreme limit. They were only together for 2
mths. When they broke up, I hide my strong sense of happiness. But after
a mth, he got together with another gal.
I like him & I know he like me. But why won't he pursue me? Since he
love me why he doesn't want to make the first move? Whenever he had a new
girlfriend, my heart would hurt. Time after time, my heart was hurt.
I begin to suspect that this is a one sided love. If he don't like he,
why does he treat me so well. It's beyond what you will normally do for a
friend. Liking a person is very heart wrenching. I can know his likes,
his habits. But his feelings towards me I can never figure out. You
can't expect me a gal to ask him right?
Despite that, I still want to be by his side. Care for him, accompany
him, love him. Hoping that one fine day, he will come & love me. It's
like waiting for his phone call every night, wanting him to send me sms. I
know that no matter how busy he is, he will make time for me. Because of
this, I waited for him. The 3 years were the hardest to go through & I
really want to give up. Sometimes, I wonder should I continue waiting. The
pain and hurt, the dilemma accompany me for 3 years.
Till the end of my 3rd year, a 2nd year junior begins to go after me.
Everyday he pursuit me relentlessly. From outright rejection to a
point in time when I felt that I'm willing to let him have a small footing in
my heart. He's like a warm & gentle wind, trying to blow a leaf away
from the tree. In the end, I realized that I didn't want to give this wind a
small footing in my heart. I know this wind will bring this badly battered
leave far away & better land. Finally I left tree, but the tree only smile
& didn't ask me to stay. Leaf departure is because of Wind pursuit. Or
because Tree didn't ask her to stay
---------------------------------
Wind
====
Because I like a gal called leaf. Because she's so dependent on tree
so I have to be a gust wind. A wind that will blow her away. When I first
met her, it was 1 mth after I transfer to the new school. I saw a petite
person looking at my seniors & me playing soccer. During ECA time,
she will always be sitting there. Be it alone or with her friends looking
at him. When he talks with gals there's jealousy in her eyes. When he
looked at her, there's a smile in her eyes. Looking at her became my habit.
Just like she likes to look at him.
One day, she didn't appear. I felt something amissed. I can't
explain the feeling except it's a kind of uneasiness. The senior was also not
there as well. I went to their classroom, hid outside and saw my senior
scolding her. Tears were in her eyes while he left. The next day, I saw her
at her usual place, looking at him. I walked over and smiled to her. Took
out a note & gave to her. She was surprised. She looked at me, smiled &
accept the note. The next day, she appeared & pass me a note and left.
Leaf's heart is too heavy and wind couldn't blow her away
It's not that leaf heart is too heavy. It because leaf never want to
leave tree.
I replied her note with this statement and slowly she started to talk
to me & accept my presents & phone calls. I know that the person she loves
is not me. But I have this perseverance that one day I will make her
like me.
Within 4 mths, I have declared my love for her no less than 20
times. Every time, she will divert away from the topic. But I never give up.
If I decide I want her to be mine, I will definitely use all means to win
her over. I can't remember how many times I have declared my love to her.
Although I know she will try to divert but I still bear a small ray of
hope. Hoping that she will agree to me my girlfriend. I didn't hear
any reply from her over the phone. I asked "what are you doing? How come
you didn't want to reply?" She said, "I'm nodding my head". "Ah?" I
couldn't believe my ears. "I'm nodding my head" She replied loudly. I hang up
the phone, quickly changed and took a taxi and rush to her place & press
her door bell. During the moment when she opens the door. I hugged her tightly.
Leaf departure is because of Wind pursuit. Or because Tree didn't ask her to stay
And i do agree that sometimes, things just come too late... and then the leaf might be better off with the wind instead...
| posted by clouds at 11:32 PM
Friday, October 03, 2003
Finally, i'm relieved from the horrible assignment that's giving me nightmares... i've handed in my work... Planning on what to do when i am finally relieved of all the tests this sem next tue... but seems like nobody is free to go enjoy with me... haiz...
Just now was enjoying my supposedly-breakfast-turns-out-to-be-lunch set done by ling... yum yum... anyway, there was this guy who's sitting by the next table -- the hunky guy who came in 1st in the Model search organised by the Lianhe ZaoBao... and he even came over to give us an interview on his history project!! ha ha... and ling was like saying how she shd've dressed better today... well, i'm resigned to fate, i'm dressed super lousily today, and i dun care less...
hmm... just cancelled my tuition today... was too engrossed in ling's blogs, so will be late, then my student can't make it one hr later, so i gotta cancel it... maybe it's a blessing in disguise? i can go swim later? hee hee... missed swimming, haven't swam for more than 3 wks... argh...
guessed much of this couple of weeks, i haven't been experiencing life? been so enclosed at home-- studying, and i feel my house seems to be getting smaller and smaller by the seconds? maybe i like the outside too much to be at ease at home... surprisingly, i feel the most at ease when i 'm studying deep in the night when the rest of the lights are out at home and i'll only hear my fan whizzing, turning, whizzing and turning... occasionally, there'll be the cars whizzing by, the guy who sings real up-to-date ktv songs (nah, he's not a great singer, but the songs he sings are nice, too bad he spoilt the whole song... will be better if i sing, ha ha...)...and sometimes, i'll hear the cats meowing... must be looking for his partner... and then there're times i hear couple fighting real loudly, sometimes kinda scary...
i remembered there was once when i was staying in the hall, and got woken up by some gal crying, think it's from the kitchen (which is just next door)... but i was too sleepy to think abt it and went back to sleep eventually. but when i come to think of it, isn't it scary to hear someone crying so sorrowfully deep at night, around 2-3 am? but i wasn't that close to any of my hall mates to ask them whether they knew wat's going on, so i still couldn't verify whether that was a supernatural encounter of some sort... :P
hmm, since i enjoy the night so much for studying, shd i go sleep in trhe evening so that i wake up to study throughout the night? i'm just afraid i won't be able to wake up and end up sleeping more... ha ha...
well, well, enough of all these crap... will resume my updates after my midterms are over (tue)... till then... :)
| posted by clouds at 2:48 PM
Wednesday, October 01, 2003
Yeap, I was feeling quite ecstatic since last nite... nope, not cos of Children's day, no Holidays, nothing to be happy about... but I was quite happy for my student... she got B for her Maths C prelims! And she was quite excited and happy abt it... me too ;) tho I think with her ability, she could've easily gotten an A for it... Nvm, I'm sure she'll be able to make it for her A's in Nov... nevertheless, I have doubts abt her younger bro who's taking his O's... I really doubt my ability sometimes... can u imagine sec 4 A maths has got relative velocity, and all the qns that I did, I could not get the answer!! Argh, I think I'm not that lousy, but I just couldn’t seem to work it out!! Sigh~ just admit it, I'm lousy...
Anyway, I think my overwhelmed confidence is taking it's toll on me... no, I dun think I'm scoring too badly, but it's retribution comes in another form… yup, my complexion is getting from bad to worse... dunno whether it's the new facial care products, I'm using... I'm dumping it... made me feel all that sucky these few wks... yup, now, I've got totally no confidence to stare at ppl in their face when I talk to them, and I seem to be covering my face with my better asset—hair... though I think it's getting wavy by the day...*sob sob*
nowadays, i hate looking into the mirror... i don't like the person i see on the mirror... i can't stand my reflection... i know, it's the exact opposite of ling rite? who likes the person on mirror more than anything else? haiz... soemtimes, i just dunno where to look, cos everywhere, there's mirrors or glass panes that'll make me look ugly, fat, horrible... yup i know, i'm exaggerating a bit, but i just don't really feel happy to see myself?
Been thinking about taking up a new hobby, something outdoorsy...eg, rollerblading or scuba diving...quite cool eh? Hmm, but I've got no connections, and no one to go with me...anyone game? Yup, but maybe in the holidays...no I simply can't afford the time to even go for a swim...*flabs setting in, no more low waist pants*
And the essay that I've been complaining about...I think I'm done for now...hee~~ tho I wrote 3300 words only (cos the lecturer wants less than 5000 words), It's not too far from it rite? Phew...
and i really miss shopping so much... just thought i needed some retail therapy and reward after sticking around at home the whole last wkend... but then dun feel like facing the world with this face of mine... yucks...
| posted by clouds at 9:28 PM
