Tuesday, October 07, 2003
My mailboxes are flooded!
that's the result of not checking mails for more than 4 days!! i guess i've achieved it! i've successfully avoided comng online for more than 3 days... so, actually it's no big deal... was actually quite surprised that i can actually tahan so long... and was MUGGING!! can u believe it? i didn't go out during the wkends... well, or maybe cos nobody to tempt me lah... sad case hor?
Anyway, just heard from ken this afternoon... was telling me that his unit was on today's straits times... [click here] btw, he's in military police, not those in the detention barracks, ha ha... yeah and that's all... recently, i dun feel too much like socialising... i'm super down cos of my stupid pimple outbreaks...
it's a long story...
anyway, maybe share my thoughts abt ken next time i blog...
just got this nice and touching piece thru my email-- abt the tree, the leaf and the wind... yeap it's kinda long, but read it when u all have the time... dun worry it'll still be in the archives... :)
Tree
===
The reason I'm called tree is because I'm good at painting trees.
Overtime I start to use a tree on the right hand corner as a trademark for all
my watercolors painting. I have dated 5 gals when I was in Pre-U.
There's one gal who I love a lot but never dare go after her. She doesn't
have a pretty face, doesn't have a good figure, doesn't have outstanding
charm.She is just a very ordinary gal.
I like her. I really like her. Like her innocent, like her
frankness. Like her cuteness, like her intelligence and her fragility. Reason
for not going after her is because I felt somebody so ordinary like her is not
a good match for me. I'm also afraid that after we are together all the
good feelings will vanish. I'm also afraid other's gossips will hurt her.
I felt that if she's my gal, she will be mine ultimately & I don't have
to give up everything just for her. The last reason, made her accompany
me for 3 years. She watch me chase after gals, and I have make her heart
cry for 3 years.
She wants to be a good actress and I'm a very demanding director.
When I kissed my 2nd girlfriend, she bumped into us. She was embarrassed but
smile & say "Go on!" before running off. The next day, her eyes was
swollen like a walnut. I purposely didn't want to think about what
causes her to cry but laugh at her the whole day. When everybody go back
home, she was alone crying in the classroom. She didn't know that I
returned from soccer training to get something. I watch her cry for an hour or
so.
My 4th girlfriend didn't like her. There was once when both of them
quarreled. I know that based on her character she's not the type that
will start off the quarrel. But I still sided with my girlfriend. I
shouted at her and her eyes was filled shocked. I didn't care about her feelings
and walked off with my girlfriend. The next day, she still laugh & joke
with me like nothing has ever happened. I know that she's very hurt but
she didn't know that my heart ache is as bad as hers.
When I broke up with my 5th girlfriend, I asked her out. After going
out for a day, I told her that I have something to tell her. She told me
that coincidentally, she has something to tell me too. I told her about my
break up and she told me about her getting together. I know whose the
guy. He has been going after her for quite a while. A very cute guy full
of energy, lively and interesting. His pursuit for her has been the talk
of the school.
I can't show her my heart ache but could only smile & congratulate
her. When I reach home, the heart ache is so strong that I can't stand it.
It's like a heavy weighted stone on my chest. I couldn't breath. Wanted
to shout but can't. Tears rolled down & I broke down & cry. How many
times have I seen her cry for the man that doesn't acknowledge her presence
too.
During graduation, I read a sms in my hp. It was send 10 days ago
when I broke down and cry. I haven't read it since then. It says "Leaf
departure is because of Wind pursuit. Or because Tree didn't ask her to stay"
---------------------------------
Leaf
===
During Pre-U days, I like to collect leaves. Why? Because I felt
that for a leaf to leave the tree she has been relying on for so long it takes
a lot of courage. During the 3 years of Pre-U I was on very close terms
with a guy.
Not BGR kind but as buddy kind. But when he had his 1st
girlfriend, I learnt a feeling I never should have learnt - Jealousy. The
sourness in the heart can't be describe by using a lemon. It's like 100 rotten
sour lemon. Sourness to the extreme limit. They were only together for 2
mths. When they broke up, I hide my strong sense of happiness. But after
a mth, he got together with another gal.
I like him & I know he like me. But why won't he pursue me? Since he
love me why he doesn't want to make the first move? Whenever he had a new
girlfriend, my heart would hurt. Time after time, my heart was hurt.
I begin to suspect that this is a one sided love. If he don't like he,
why does he treat me so well. It's beyond what you will normally do for a
friend. Liking a person is very heart wrenching. I can know his likes,
his habits. But his feelings towards me I can never figure out. You
can't expect me a gal to ask him right?
Despite that, I still want to be by his side. Care for him, accompany
him, love him. Hoping that one fine day, he will come & love me. It's
like waiting for his phone call every night, wanting him to send me sms. I
know that no matter how busy he is, he will make time for me. Because of
this, I waited for him. The 3 years were the hardest to go through & I
really want to give up. Sometimes, I wonder should I continue waiting. The
pain and hurt, the dilemma accompany me for 3 years.
Till the end of my 3rd year, a 2nd year junior begins to go after me.
Everyday he pursuit me relentlessly. From outright rejection to a
point in time when I felt that I'm willing to let him have a small footing in
my heart. He's like a warm & gentle wind, trying to blow a leaf away
from the tree. In the end, I realized that I didn't want to give this wind a
small footing in my heart. I know this wind will bring this badly battered
leave far away & better land. Finally I left tree, but the tree only smile
& didn't ask me to stay. Leaf departure is because of Wind pursuit. Or
because Tree didn't ask her to stay
---------------------------------
Wind
====
Because I like a gal called leaf. Because she's so dependent on tree
so I have to be a gust wind. A wind that will blow her away. When I first
met her, it was 1 mth after I transfer to the new school. I saw a petite
person looking at my seniors & me playing soccer. During ECA time,
she will always be sitting there. Be it alone or with her friends looking
at him. When he talks with gals there's jealousy in her eyes. When he
looked at her, there's a smile in her eyes. Looking at her became my habit.
Just like she likes to look at him.
One day, she didn't appear. I felt something amissed. I can't
explain the feeling except it's a kind of uneasiness. The senior was also not
there as well. I went to their classroom, hid outside and saw my senior
scolding her. Tears were in her eyes while he left. The next day, I saw her
at her usual place, looking at him. I walked over and smiled to her. Took
out a note & gave to her. She was surprised. She looked at me, smiled &
accept the note. The next day, she appeared & pass me a note and left.
Leaf's heart is too heavy and wind couldn't blow her away
It's not that leaf heart is too heavy. It because leaf never want to
leave tree.
I replied her note with this statement and slowly she started to talk
to me & accept my presents & phone calls. I know that the person she loves
is not me. But I have this perseverance that one day I will make her
like me.
Within 4 mths, I have declared my love for her no less than 20
times. Every time, she will divert away from the topic. But I never give up.
If I decide I want her to be mine, I will definitely use all means to win
her over. I can't remember how many times I have declared my love to her.
Although I know she will try to divert but I still bear a small ray of
hope. Hoping that she will agree to me my girlfriend. I didn't hear
any reply from her over the phone. I asked "what are you doing? How come
you didn't want to reply?" She said, "I'm nodding my head". "Ah?" I
couldn't believe my ears. "I'm nodding my head" She replied loudly. I hang up
the phone, quickly changed and took a taxi and rush to her place & press
her door bell. During the moment when she opens the door. I hugged her tightly.
Leaf departure is because of Wind pursuit. Or because Tree didn't ask her to stay
And i do agree that sometimes, things just come too late... and then the leaf might be better off with the wind instead...
| posted by clouds at 11:32 PM
