Tuesday, September 30, 2003
haiz... i never thought i'll experience this kinda thing, but i did... the essay i'm writing is going no further than 2500 words... i'll never gonna pass my module at this rate!! but i don't have anything else to write about...
yeah, here i am, snacking on my creamy caramel pretzels again... yum yum (but i'll grow fat at this rate...)...
watching the ppl around arts go by... boring...
this morning i was on the bus... sitting in one of those face-to-face seat... there was this guy who was sitting opposite me... i saw him take out his cool pair of oakley shades, put it on... wow, he looked so cool... (mind u, he's not that cute, but i think his sahdes are real cool) but anyway, i thought he put it on cos it's too bright and scourching hot (tho it's an aircon bus) yeah, i guess he's reason was that, and more... ha ha... he wanted to sleep better... chey! that's so UNcool huh? and he thought he cld sleep in better style with his cool shades... i dun think so... ha ha...
well, i shall be back to my assignment...
| posted by clouds at 2:59 PM
Monday, September 29, 2003
2 midterms down, 2 more to go... Plus my essay, my chinese essay... i'm only 20% done... and my tutorials for this wk? hmm...
was feeling a little under the weather cos my complexion sucks!! i dunno wat's up with my skin? i mean it's not the time of the month, it's not as if i ate a lot of heaty stuff... but yucks, i can't stop it from coming out even if i put on loads of pimple cream... luckily my day is not really bad, cos it's bright and shining out there, hee~ i always link my mood to the weather if u realise...
today me caught a glimpse of leo, didn't realise it was him till i think back... well, didn't really matter to me today, wasn't in the mood to mope over things today.. i'm rather relieved today... plus me got an informant who told me he did drop by earlier in the day, think he's hanging around in sch today, that's why i saw him again in the afternoon... anyway, wat's he doing around nus?!! he shd be hanging around in smu, i suppose he's not that popular there? not that he's famous here? infamous maybe...
hey, why am i spending time even typing abt it? crazy...
was reading Life! this morning (u must be wondering, why am i reading life when i shd be reading my notes for my midterms?), and saw this interesting article (for the full article, click here)by Karl Ho, he was commenting on how ppl view love today...
"... if you're going to be a slow coach on the highway of love, be prepared to eat exhaust while the object of your affection vanishes into the horizon with the speed demon.
And we are prepared to tell 'unwelcome' passengers to take a hike. Indeed, some guy friends have set a time frame of three weeks to even one night to gauge if the girl is worth belting up alongside."
yeah, so i understand how it is that if u first know a guy, give him at most 3 wks... if nothing happens, then nothing is gonna happen and most likely, u'll just remain as friends...
"Then, there's the window of opportunity.
When boy meets girl and both display a liking for each other, what follows is an exciting time most suitable for romance to bloom.
That's usually the period after the initial meeting, when you don't know too much about the person but you like him or her enough to want to know more.
But it's important to strike during this window. Because when the mystery and magic lift and both settle down to being friends, all is lost."
so, indeed, a lot of pple identify with this theory, not only me...
well, enough said, i realise i keep harping on this kind of issues in my blogs... will talk abt other stuff when these issues do not pop into my mind so often when i switch on my comp... ha ha...
to those interested to know wat's going on in my life, sorry to say that it's been BORING... yeah, mugged at home the whole weekend (partly cos my complexion sucks, didn't feel like going to sch either, but can't cos of my tests today). and i've always been complaining abt how many days ken haven't msged? i've lost count! nah, i just don't bother... but hey, he's still a gd fren to go club with... ;)
been trying to paste nice pictures to my blogs, but can't seem to do it... well, sorry, but u all have to bear with the wordy blogs i'll be having... don't worry, once in while, when i see interesting sites, i'll create a hyperlink for u all to visit... *wink wink* to those die-hard fans of "The Matrix" (i doubt any of u who read my blogs are crazy abt the matrix, but anyway...), they've released the trailer for the Matrix Revolutions, out on Nov 5th 2003... Click here
well, well, shall continue typing my essay...
| posted by clouds at 8:27 PM
Saturday, September 27, 2003
Deep in the night
Deep in thought
I'm sinking into the silence
I'm dreaming in my fantasy
Swimming through the clouds
In search of sunshine
Feeling its rays on me
Chasing away the dark blue night
Come play with me, dear sunshine
Forget about lighting up the world
Come along with me, into my world
Come light up my meadows and grass plains
Follow me through my dreams
Direct me through my memories
Life is but a fantasy,
If only you would follow me
Don't go, sunshine, don't go
Don't bring away the rainbow and laughter
Don't bring away the colour and fun
Stay and keep me company
I need you to embrace me forever
Dry my tears and keep me warm
I'm selfish, but please don't go
Don't leave me in my dark fantasy
| posted by clouds at 7:40 PM
Friday, September 26, 2003
I've been complaining about how much i've changed, how undesirable i am... and today, i further assert that i am so unlike what i used to be...
Everyone down here at the Comp lab is doing there schwork, and here i am typing away on my blog, feeling ever so guilty, yet, not bothering to do anything about it... life have been too sucky nowadays for me to feel any passion in life, in sch work etc... i know that the effort i put in will never be proportional to wat i'll be getting... yeah, just like the previous sem's exams, i've been hanging out even during the exams period -- having breakfast with u-know-who, hanging around the town etc etc... nevertheless, the grades i got for last sem was the best ever? sighz... maybe i'm plain lucky? this sem sucks... all the modules i took seems so much like a mistake (took all the ec mod cos my fren's taking it), cos the econs modules require so much memorising!! --> i hate it, gimme calculus, matrices anytime, but not pages and pages of textbooks... to think i spent so much on the textbooks to give myself so much agony...
and i dunno wat's going on with me, to think i took a chinese modules, when all the notes i took during the lecture was half eng half chinese... ha ha... well, the damage shouldn't be too great, since i've already declared pass-fail for it... hope i just get a pass.. hee~
and my social life is going down to the drains.. with all the midterm tests coming (not that i spend a lot of time studying), i really hope to catch a movie one of these days... no, me haven't caught "Turn Left, Turn Right" yet... dun think i'll get a chance at it... other movies like "My Teacher, Mr Kim", "Infernal Affairs 2", The Italian Job", all of them seems rather interesting... well well, since i can't get anyone to watch with, i might as well save up the $ and study more? haiz, no leh, i'm not studying more even without going out... shall resolve to not switching on my comp this weekend... but dun think i can resist the cyberworld... haiz... someone pls help me...
i really envy those ppl who can really stay focused and study the whole day at home... like hs was saying how his week has passed with 2 tests and 1 assignment he handed in, and to think i have to stay at home the whole weekend? that's real scary! i wish he could drive me to ecp again, nvm the fact that i have no blades and dunno how to blade) but i just wish i could feel the sea breeze once more...
no such luck, stop fantasizing!!
Omigod, it's so late already, i should get going... else the traffic would be too scary to get home in time for my daily dose of Holland V...
| posted by clouds at 4:38 PM
Oops.. i'm still not asleep... maybe i'm just too excited about my new template... hee~
well, i wrote this last nite...
No Entry
I'm amazed by how easily i can dilute my feelings
No longer do i yearn for love
No longer do i yearn for him
I've convinced myself that anyone could be just as caring
I'm convinced that we have nothing more to share
I've realised that we've drifted apart
And now we're so far apart
Just like he's in the States and i'm in S'pore
Even SMSes seem so boring
Even a call seems so much like a hassle
No, i don't have anyone else on my mind
Yes, nobody is on my mind
I'm closing my heart to myself
Nobody can come in now
Try knocking, banging, by brute force,
No, the door to my heart will no open
I give up
I'll never let loose my feelings
I'll never gonna feel vulnerable anymore
I'm never gonna cry
So will u still love me tomorrow?
| posted by clouds at 12:10 AM
Thursday, September 25, 2003
Had a real lousy day today... It didn't start out well for me...
today i had to present my assignment topic in class at 10 am... so i left home 15 min earlier, hoping to reach sch earlier than usual... the horribly wet weather... and bus 74 broke down before it reached my stop... made me waited a whole 25 min for the crowded bus!! well, u may say that i'm patient? well, i guess i really am too patient... should've taken another bus to change to my 151 right? i guess i'm just stupid? haiz...luckily i did get onto the bus... phew... or issit really gonna cause my downfall today?
*just a thought*
Is life like that?
even though u know that ur bus is late, u don't wanna take other longer routes cos u know u'll still be late?
u just want to blame the bus that always brings u to sch on time just because it made u late for just today?
wat if the bus eventually comes along, and it's so full that u can't even board? do u mind standing on the doorsteps and risk getting squashed?
or do u think u'll settle for the next one since u're already late?
or issit worth it just to flag a cab and travel in style to sch, without getting all flustered?
so wat did i do today?
wat kinda person am i?
issit gd to be too patient at times?
nah, i really think i'll miss the gd things in life by being too patient, which is how i think i fared today...
in the end, i reached KAP at 9.45 am on the 74 , will definitely be late if i don't do something... yeah, i was actually intending to flag for a cab at 930am already, but thought i might not be any difference and i need to pay more, cos of the jam on bt timah? so in the end i only managed to get a cab at 950am at KAP... reached class 10 min late... i wasn't the latest, but the feeling of them starting without me was so saddening... and then, the tutor didn't even to bother to ask whether the person who did this week's qn was here... yeah, so i was like answering a bit too much in class, but was really stunned at some of the qns she posed... ok, ok, so i guessed the essays i was trying to perfect last wk ended up out of pt? or rather, lack of the pts she wants? argh!!
indeed, getting a B for the assignment was the not too unexpected? but i was absolutely disappointed! shouldn't have gotten that kinda grade considering the amt of effort put in, but i guess i really didn't give her wat she wants... she should've written a wish list, so i know wat to include and wat not? stupid system, and i thought essays are supposed to be subjective? wat i feel is important will be included? seems like it's not the case? extremely demoralised by this... plus the fact that i haven't been doing anything for my chinese assignment? die liaoz!! gonna get bad grades for my modules this sem? and midterms are coming.. next mon, i'm having 2 tests... wish me luck...
i dunno wat have gotten into me, but suddenly i just want back the archives i left out in the previous blog... so i decided, maybe it's time for me to change the template for the blogs too? so i searched high and low and settled for this template... yeah, i know, it has "LOVESICK" slapped all over it right? rest assure, i'm healing... i'm more or less ok with being unattached, unattractive... wat's the big deal anyway? but i really liked the picture and the colour... gonna make a few adjustments once i find the time...
| posted by clouds at 10:24 PM
Tuesday, September 23, 2003
tuesday... time seems to pass by so quickly i can't believe it... i really hate the speed of time... every minute, every second counts, but yet i can't seem to bring myself to do work... cos i know that once i start i won't stop... i'll be lost in time, when i don't see that time has in fact passed... that's even scarier...soon i'll have the scary midterms coming... and it's not even 1 wk away!! i can't catch up!! argh...
15 min before i go... yeah, just 15 min... and i'm off to driving... no, i dun really like driving... ha ha... i'd rather be driven around by someone, but no such luck yet ;)
i was initially so excited about reading ling's blogs but realised that this comp also can't read traditional chinese... not my fault ok? hee, i know how to read chinese... ha ha...i have a feeling my laptop also can't do it... wat can i do? omgod!! i wanna know wat's happening!! oops... me being abit ba1 gua4 now.. but of cos, being ba1 gua4 is wat a women shld be, not for a men rite? hmm... dunno leh, i thought there are all kinds of pple ard us?
yawnz, sleepy liao, dunno how i'm gonna stay alert later when i drive... slept only at 230am leh... cos i was struggling with that stupid ch essay of mine... i predict at least 5 more late nites before i can finish my essay, at the rate i'm going... sighz...
| posted by clouds at 2:26 PM
Sunday, September 21, 2003
this is the second time i'm typing this... that's wat happens when u get a lousy laptop cos i'm a lousy owner... ha ha...
yup, me did go club yesterday... initially me called bc to ask whether he interested but he said he couldn't make it so i was rather disappointed... me didn't feel like going actually, but since mel needed company, and sam wouldn't go if ken not going, so i had to go persuade ken to go? ok lah, was quite surprised he agreed considering he had to book in early this morning?
it was super crowded last nite... too squeezy to enjoy dancing... i think me drank a bit more than usual, was still feeling high on my way home, ken kept asking me whether i was alrite? yeah, i think i'm still sober.. ha ha... no, i'm not seeing double now... ha
ha...
i'm swearing off clubs till after exams... i guess i haven't really been myself, with all the clubbing trips that i went... it's just so unlike me...
searching for the artistic streak in myself, wat i once possessed... i simply loved arts lessons when i was in primary school... all the drawings i've done... if u pay a visit to my primary sch, i think they still have a couple of my framed up crayon drawings around, hee~ but i dun think a lot of ppl even remembered, but i'll always remember my proudest moment... i remembered my best fren and i got into the top 3 prizes for the arts competition since pri 4...
and i remember the days when i drew clothing designs in my diary, and designed new clothes for my barbie dolls using my mums scrap cloths... that was such a long time ago! guess i stopped doing that once i advanced to secondary sch? cos i'm always demoralised by the grades i got for arts! and i thought i did alrite leh... i think i did envision myself to be a watch designer at that pt in time tho? but now, i think i lost my magic fingers...
my point is?
ling, i'll try my best to make the designs for ur characters work... i'll try to find wat i lost back then, hopefully i can regain the touch, and do more great things in life with my "magic fingers"?
p/s: ling, i didn't receive ur weblog address, can u send me again?
| posted by clouds at 11:37 PM
Wednesday, September 17, 2003
felt extremely relieved now... just finished my 1st draft of my essay assignment... it's 20 % of one module leh!! still need to edit and take out some words (as usual i exceeded word limit liao... but at least better than having nothing to write right?) here, i would like to thank clara for lending me evelyn's past tutorials, it was of great help... and kk for all his untidy notes and his fren's neat neat notes, and thanks ling for studying with me in central library… you brought me a lot of comic relief today (yesterday actually), ha ha…(don't think anyone knows of this blog except the few of you who reads eh?) but nvm lah, let me crap a bit... i'm super high now... dun feel like sleeping yet tho... oops... tml will turn ms panda but i dun care!
yum yum... nice pizza hut meal... simply love the ice-cream... i can't resist ice-cream, especially anythg chocolaty... but i was so full i had difficulty walking? but yucks, i feel super guilty now, maybe that's why i'm rushing thru my essay just now, cos i wanna work off the extra calories tml... yeap, gonna skip my 1 hr tutorial and cancelled driving for nothing... but i'm just gonna laze the whole day tml... yeap, that is after my swim (or shld i go jogging? swimming is bad for my skin?), after i'm done with my essay... after completing my tutorial for thu and fri... no more time left for me to laze around!! *boo hoo*
next week gotta be super "cheena" cos me gotta start on my CH assignment.. i have no idea how i'm gonna cough up 5000 chinese words? argh!! next week then i'll worry... and now, i'm still not asleep... how am i gonna start my day?
sometimes, isn't it scary to be all up alone in the wee hours and silence is deafening... and u wonder why are there still cars around on the road? but come to think of it? aren't u out at this hr if u go clubbing? yeah... maybe that's why i'm no longer afraid of the dark... i embrace the dark... i look forward to the serenity at night... nobody bothers me, and i'm just lost in the cyberworld for now... whenever i walk back home from tuition, i look forward to the short journey back especially when it's at night, no, not late at night but around 9 pm... the air is exceptionally cool, like all the heat of the earlier scorching sun has been sucked up by the trees around me...
yeah, i'm getting poetic again... but it's hard to write a poem in english... ironic? just now i was complaining abt how much i cna't make it for chinese, now u realised i'm better at chinese poems? nah.. i'm just bad at both... yeah, i know i shld be turning in, but i'm super high leh... or maybe i'm super tired? it's surprising to see hs still online... he said he's having a test tml... but maybe he's studying for it, that's why he was idle for so long and din talk to me on icq?
hmm... alright i shall quit thinking abt all these things... sleep!! pls sleep...
| posted by clouds at 1:57 AM
Saturday, September 13, 2003
Twists and turns and twists and turns... Been through lots of events this wk i guess... but was quite happy to get an answer for wat i've always been searching for... i know i no longer have a crush on bc, and we can always be friends! he said he wanted to sit in our lectures cos he's that bored? ha ha... yeah, so i brought him around the campus for awhile... he's cuter than before, but yes, i've no more feelings for him...
then met ken, mel and sam for dinner at city hall, i was so tired i didn't talk much... suddenly i'm losing interest in him, all the novelty has rubbed off? or issit cos i know it's impossible for me to be with someone like him? he seems like a flitting image... i dunno how much of him is true.. and i dun ask much too... yeah, i think i'm seeing some truth in my feelings now... any guy who hears a gal cry would definitely not leave u in lurch, so why shld i be touched with sthg that any other guy can do?
ok i swear never to go on and on about these things, cos it's actually getting me nowhere... shld start on my assignment which is due next fri... but i have no time to stay behind in sch to do work!! :( *desperate for time liao*
| posted by clouds at 1:10 AM
Wednesday, September 10, 2003
Yeah, i've been blogging too much, spending too much time on the internet than desirable... i should really get on to my work, but i can't... realised that i can most effectively do work after 10 pm and before 1am... which means that each day, i can only apend at most 3 hrs doing my work? which is not good... considering the fact that somedays i'm so tired that i sleep early?
but, i've been trying to get some websites where i can get materials for the assignment i need to hand in and yet have no idea wat to do... but i hate the searching process... the abundant world of information, trying to sieve thru wat's relevant and wat's not... i shall be more patient...
sat will be meeting my jc class for lunch... kinda look forward to it... considering BC's back in s'pore for holidays... no, i'm totally over him, really... :) sat night, will be attending my fren's b'day party... yeah, another 21st b'day celebration... oh well, it's becoming so common i can't seem to feel any enthusiasm for b'day celebrations? and considering the fact that i'm not 21 but 21 and 1/2 yrs old at this time, and ppl are still going INTO 21 only now? the feeling is not so good eh? i'm old.. ha ha... just kidding... as long as deep down, in my heart, i feel young, that's good enough rite? but then, i do not feel young... i feel so mature, i think my mentality is older than 21 (and 1/2 yrs)...
i've been thru quite a lot, yet, i know that some things are wat i haven't really experienced and would like to experience before i die... i am pessimistic abt life... i think i'm not gonna live long, dunno why, but the feeling really scares me... wat if ... oh well, dun wanna think abt it actually... but the possibility really scares me... maybe it's just the weather... it's rainy and gloomy... maybe that's why i'm gloomy too... and after a long day... well, i can't keep feeling this way... but i am...
| posted by clouds at 6:38 PM
Tuesday, September 09, 2003
I can't believe i seem rather lovesick, rather desperate for company till i was told... nope, actually i could feel it myself, only i wasn't prepared to face the reality... things have been taking a toil on me... schwork, assignments, tuitions, going out too often... no wonder my complexion getting worse... no time to swim... flabbiness is wat i dread...
shld really not stay out so late so often., club less.. i must regain my guai guai image, else no decent guys would like me... hee hee... yeah here i go again.. frankly, i really care too much abt how ppl view me... and it's not gd! i shd be who i am, not how someone wants me to be! but then i can't seem to help it...
so i rejected ken's invitation to Dbl o tml for his 21st birthday... of cos i really hoped someone would catch the "Turn Left, Turn Right" movie with me (opens tomorrow!!)... yeah, here i go again romanticising things... It's all in my blood i guess, the Piscean tends to romanticise too much, dreams too much...
I'll try... i'll try to remain pure and simple... i can't accept the fact that i've changed this much... but yeah, slowly, i have to get used to the fact that i'm no longer the gal i used to be...
gotta go do my readings...
| posted by clouds at 9:34 PM
Saturday, September 06, 2003
Now i'm listening to Sun Yanzi's song "Óö¼û " for the movie, "A Chance Of Sunshine", it's so meaningful, i simply love it! yeah, i know, here i am, being all so dreamy again...
Last night, i had fun... but din really like the music there...prefer dbl o's.. centro has a nice view to... could see the whole waterfront, ritz carlton hotel, etc...
Yeah, was glad i met HS before we went clubbing... found out that he don't club... which is good... ha ha... dragged him in tho, felt quite bad abt it... but well, just go in and take a look since it's free entry? do i appear too wild for him? hmm... i guess sooner or later, he'll stop going out with me cos i appear to be such a wild child? but i'm not, i'm so guai guai one... only thing is i go clubbing, but i guess that's abt it? well, life is short, we gotta enjoy it while we can isn't it?
Ha ha.. could remember wat meilin said abt him... could picture him just from hearing his voice over the phone... and wat she pictured is actually quite accurate? the "boyish" look? he looks younger than 24... and i seem to look older than 21... :( i feel like an older hag now that i'm past 21 and 1/2... haiz...
and there seems to be no news from ken, i'm slowly forgetting how he looks like... forgetting how he sounds like, forgetting that he did showed concern when i was at my lowest pt in life... but well, i guess anyone would show concern when u called and cried over the phone rite? he/she can't possibly leave u in the lurch? yeah, so it's not such a big deal that he was so caring last month?
there, i said, i won't need to spend $ on one more gift... i have this feeling that i don't get to get past the guy's birthday... like previously for leo, not that i'm planning to get a present or wat... and now ken, it's 4 days to his bday, and i think i'll nv hear from him again... no i'm not too sad abt it... but why can't we just be frens? or is there no friendship between guys and gals? issit when we can't be a couple, he'll dump u? it's so irritating even to think abt it? i have this bad feeling that i'll lose contact with HS soon too... cos i believe his birthday has not passed... it's not logical, but yet it's not possibly to be so much of a coincidence? maybe it's just my logic... ha ha...
well we'll see how it goes... will keep posted... ;)
| posted by clouds at 2:05 PM
Monday, September 01, 2003
dunno whether it'll work but, here's a link to my cca website with loads of fotos...
pls provide feedback.. ;)
| posted by clouds at 10:19 PM
just when i was rejoicing about not having any more cca commitments, suddenly, i'm thrown into this scenario whereby everyone is enjoying each other's company and i'm just one lonely soul out there?
things are turning quite boring around here... yeah, suddenly, i seem to lose interest in going out, lose interest in talking to ken... has the novelty run out? so soon? and i dun feel anything anymore when i see his sms, i mean i won't smile unknowingly when i read his msg... no longer feel the warmth in his msg... maybe it's no longer warm? cos it's like so scarce these days... i think he also feels the novelty running out? and i know he just treats me as a friend, maybe that's how i treat him too? i think i know wat it all means... theory by a guy friend (dun wanna quote who) : " if anything is to start, it'll start very soon.. .if not, then nothing's gonna happen..." i guess i know wat it means now... nvm, i'm quite glad i can be friends with him... maybe i was smitten by his caringness during my most depressed... that's why i felt my heart flutter the other time... i should be more objective... not let feelings rule my heart... yeah, easy to say, hard to do...
loneliness... i'm not too afraid of it... i've been thru worst... like the other time, staying in the hostel... but i still feel the same when i'm at home... sometimes i hate it to be so noisy at home, with the tv perpetually on, my sis perpetually at her stubborn, gets-wat-she-wants self... it's hard to feel warmth around here, maybe except for my mum's once a week homecooked meal... i think i still feel super lonely when it gets late in the night and i'm actually either doing my hmwk or online? i hate the long and lonely nights when i dun feel like switching on my comp and dun feel like doing any revisions... ah well, life is such a gloomy phase...
| posted by clouds at 10:09 PM
