Saturday, August 30, 2003
I hate guessing... but i can't ask... that's real bad rite? having to suppress one's curiosity?
counting the days he haven't msg me or called... it was since tues!! that was long... yeah, i can feel it, or rather, the way i can't feel for these matters, the way i keep guessing, i think i'll never hear from him unless i call or msg him? should i? i shouldn't... i hate to have history repeat itself... i think i'd rather slowly lose contact from him rather than him finding me such a nuisance and say, "i have to break all contacts from u"... yeah, if history was to repeat itself, i guess i won't need to buy him a birthday present anymore... (should i be glad?) *pls, dun let me feel so lonely tonight such that i'll call him to talk* maybe i won't be alone, with all the homeworks i've procrastinated...
homework is piling up! argh! complaining that "sch starts = no life"... really true... after a hectic week, i really think i'm half dead... but i can't give up my tuitions now, i mean they really need me, and i reaaly need $? i can't give up driving, since i've already gotten a test date = 29th Dec... which means i could be driving by next year? well, dun think i'll be so lucky to pass at first attempt... the readings are piling up, but i just dun feel like reading... i hate to see my efforts the previous few sems to pull my cap up put to vain this sem... i must at least maintain? which is hard, considering the modules i'm taking now require lots of memorising (which i hate!!)... and my cap is a bit too HIGH to maintain the standard :P Oops...
Looking forward to next fri... going clubbing again... hee~ 3rd time! yeah, there i go again... and something more to rejoice on fri, cos i'll be officially out of the club, my cca... i feel kinda sad, that i'll no longer need to do things for my cca and the ppl there i'll miss, tho i'm always welcome to drop by the cca room, it won't be the same anymore! just happy that there'll be no more obligations, no more duties to do (there goes my other source of income). i feel kinda cheated tho, my fren said she's leaving this year too... but then, after they persuaded her to stay, she relented... i mean, they did try to ask me to stay, but i dun think they pester me enough to make me change my mind... they should be thinking, i'm just a waste of resources if i stay? i mean i can't do things well, i'm not very responsible especially towards may '03 period... and well, i really shouldn't have stayed too... considering the damage i've done :P (actually, not much damage was done, except maybe my integrity was wounded...) and my junior was teasing me about no time for cca now cos i need time to date? nah, c'mon, i'm not dating anyone now, and i really hate to seem like i'm someone desperate for love? or am i really? eeks...
really should go out and get gifts for the sept babies soon... tomorrow? but who'll accompany me? or i'll just go alone? no BIG deal, isn't it? hmm...
| posted by clouds at 10:11 PM
Friday, August 29, 2003
Haven't been swimming for such a long time... i can feel the bulge in my tummy, the flabbiness of my arms, my cheeks are becoming puffier, my pants becoming tighter... yeap, and i feel so dead after so many late nites, so many tuitions... think it must be that i'm not in a good shape recently... haiz... hope things will get better next week, when i'm officially out of my eca, and the sec 4 kid finish his prelims...
dieting don't work for me... or rather, starvation... been too busy to eat lunch these few days. so i tend to eat a lot for dinner after that... which is not gd... always go to bed feeling all so bloated or sometimes have to stay up late to wait for the food to digest before i go to bed...
seriously, i wonder why i think so much about things that are not even possible? c'mon, i should face it, we've too much differences, too few things in common. that's why i haven't msg him since tue night. yeah, partly cos i'm busy, partly cos i really have a low level of self confidence nowadays... i'm not pretty, i'm not slim, i'm can be quite irritating sometimes, and i think too much about the same thing over and over again... guess this is wat u all shld've gathered from all my blogs...
yeah, all the novelty of knowing him is starting to rub off. things don't seem to be going anywhere... and i don't feel like dating with so much homeworks, readings piling up... just submit to a life full of academic stuff... or rather, NO LIFE!! sighz...
| posted by clouds at 11:54 AM
Tuesday, August 26, 2003
This week is gonna be a tiring week for me... i think i've hit a record high of having 5 tuitions a week... wat a contrast, compared to the other week of ZERO tuition per week... yeah, cos that sec 4 guy is having his A maths Prelims on fri, so he needs a lot of last min revision to catch up.... Sighz... this week, gonna abandon all my homeworks and readings to give him tuition... haiz~
Maybe it's a blessing in disguise? no time to do my homework, no time to talk on the phone with him, no time to msg him... no time to think about other things... Maybe... oh well, all for the money i'm gonna save to go somewhere next yr... So, where shall we go? Australia or US? it all depends right? personally, i would prefer someplace cheap... hope i do save enough to go to either of the above mentioned places eh?
Oopss... gotta go for my driving... blog next time...
| posted by clouds at 12:18 PM
Monday, August 25, 2003
Ooops... forgot to mention who i went to ecp with, no wonder ling was confused... hmm... went with HS, it's this other (older) guy from nus... It's a long story, next time update u over a cuppa k?
Was glad ling liked the cd i bought for her, was crossing my fingers when i bought the cd that she would like it... it's one with lots of sentimental classics, my favourite in that cd is "Love Me" by Colin Raye... and that's the only song i know, truthfully speaking... hee~ Guess who i went out with to get it?
two down, more presents to get this week, wat should i get? hmm... Mel, tell me wat u want leh ;) been racking my brain to think of the right thing, but no such luck... and tell me whether i shd get something for ken? sighz, the thing is, i'm not so sure i would get to see him within these few weeks, i mean, i'm super busy this week with 5 tuitions, and next week shd be used to catch up on my sch work... and he's just a fren i got to know for not more than 3 mths? despite being so busy, i miss clubbing... shall we go Centro next time? been talking about it over the phone with ken the other day, make it this fri, sat or next weekend? *hee hee* Mel must be thinking, wat has gotten over yun? being all so enthu about clubbing? Life's short, so must enjoy while we can, right?
yeah, gotta go sleep, i'm super tired... and it's only Mon nite? how am i gonna survive the whole week? Argh!
| posted by clouds at 10:46 PM
Saturday, August 23, 2003
just came back from ecp... it's the 1st time being driven around and i feel so priviledged... no it's not some big car or wat, but the feeling is equally great.. hee~ yup, he was blading for awhile, didn't know that he can actually blade so well, quite impressed by the way he knows so much...
come to think of it, nothing will come out even if i'm going out with any of the guys that i've mentioned... i'm just not attractive... ppl just treats me as a friend, i can feel it... things are not gonna turn romantic, no matter who the guy is, i just have the feeling, cos we're steering clear of talking about things like that...
don't wanna do a character analysis down here, will seem like i'm a materialistic gal once i talk about these guys... my ideas are all bent, bias in some sense, can't figure out where, don't know how to deal... we'll see how it goes...
disappointment... planned on going for a swim tommorrow morning in my new swim suit but darn, my rosy posy struck! :( will have to wait till next wk then... wait for all the fats to settle in... haiz...
| posted by clouds at 1:36 AM
Wednesday, August 20, 2003
I really don't know what's up with me, always on this pendulum thing... sometimes, i swing up, sometimes i'm at my low, and it's always swings up and down real quickly... short pendulum eh? haiz... short attention span?
i really do wonder, what do i like about him? i really think we're running out of things to say already.. at least i feel that way... here i am, closing up on myself gradually, cos i hate to say too much... Am i not afraid that i'll say too little? just like wat my driving instructor says, "u always say u're afraid to turn too much (when i'm changing direction), why aren't u not afraid of turning too little?" and i always turn too little... always getting scolded for this... why am i not afraid that i'll share too little? i think i've been avoiding a lot of topics, cos i'm afraid i'll blurt on and on about something that might show how shallow i am, or how desperately lonely i am? i really don't know about myself anymore...
and i see no signs that things are going to turn romantic in the near future... i think maybe it'll just end here...
last night i was too tired to stay up and wait for his next msg which came 1 hr later... might as well then, though i had to help mel ask something, and the topic was just so adequate... wld have to wait till the next time then... sorry mel... still pondering on whether to get him a present... we're just frens afterall, not some really close fren or anything... and i just knew him for about 2 months? *ponder ponder*
up and down and up and down and up and down... yada yada yada...
| posted by clouds at 4:03 PM
Tuesday, August 19, 2003
It's a long, long day for me... I'm still in school at this hour? no lah, not very late but unusual for me, i suppose...
Wondering whether i revealed this website to a lot of pple, at least i don't think i do... i hope not, i hope i did not reveal this to anyone in question on my blogs... *pray pray*
went out with ken on sun, after such a long time... he's becoming more and more charming, at least i think... i suppose he wasn't a very decent guy before... but now he's quite decent, that's wat i gathered, but my judgement might be wrong so i have to be careful and take things a step at a time... up to now, still finding it quite amazing that he still tries to keep in touch after going out on sun... that means he don't hate me? ha ha... found him cuter than ever... i think i'm starting to get attracted by him... ok, enough of swooning over the same guy again... think it's getting quite boring rite? if u keep reading about me swooning... yeap, at least u don't expect me to keep writing about how school sucks, how terrible my timetable is... how many tuitions they cancelled on me etc etc...
Really needed a workout badly... miss swimming, i really need to at least drop by the gym for a workout... can feel all the fats settling in... argh!!
gotta go... update more later...
| posted by clouds at 4:08 PM
Friday, August 15, 2003
I really think it's quite boring nowadays... No life, just into the first week of school start? omigod, i really dread the days to come...
Disappointment again, tuition cancelled on me today, just when i am about to get my pay... :( to think i can get my pay so that i can buy presents for the upcoming b'days my frens have... :( gotta wait till next week then... dunno wat to buy? Ling, tell me wat u want leh... :P else, tell me wat huey wants...
recently been discussing Holland V with Ken, then realised that he likes Cynthia Koh more than Jeanette Aw... Hmm... really? even though Cynthia Koh's role was an evil twin, but that didn't put him off, he thinks she's cool? hmm... Subjective i guess...
currently our only topic revolves around tv and nothing else... attempts to meet up were dashed by conflicting schedules... when he's free, i'm not, and when i'm free, he's not... so up to now, only met up with him once... i guess soon, when he gets so tired of making an effort to arrange a meeting with me or when i get tired of it, we'll soon drift apart eh? maybe better for me? Maybe...
just came online to see whether i can get to see HS (yeah he's the guy i went out with on National Day), and he's online... suggested whether to meet for lunch... but think he said sthg about going to town to buy his hp, so dun think he can make it back to sch to meet for lunch... come to think of it, guys i know recently have been changing hps... (well just a thought) anyway, think tml won't get to see him then... which is just fine... cos i think my face is breaking out... haiz... can't face the world :( i miss my wkly swim session too... think i'm getting fat... no matter how many meals i skip, it's no use... think exercising works better for me...
well well, let's see then... ;)
| posted by clouds at 12:28 AM
Tuesday, August 12, 2003
Sat, me didn't watch the NDP, was out with this cute guy i knew thru icq... yah i know, i mentioned that i won't ever go out with anyone i don't know... but this guy is credible, cos he's studying in nus still... he's quite gd looking in person, doesn't really look nice in his photos tho... Yup, was feeling quite bored on the sat nite... so agreed to go out and see the photos he tooked on his trip to Europe... Fascinating! all the places i never dreamt of going... he's been to it all! i was quite impressed, and he didn't seem like someone who has spent 10 mths overseas tho... it's nice talking to him i guess... no fireworks, sad to say, considering he's quite cute and local, older than me etc... ha ha...
then when i reached home, ken msg me to ask me whether i'm interested to go to this club that his cousin is DJing at, but well, since i'm nice and comfy at home, i rejected him... Nvm, there'll be other times... :)
Sun, was out for dinner with the grp... yup, the guy who lives just across the rd turned up too... and i guess i really shd applaude myself for acting quite cool abt it, in the "heck care" manner... yup, he did talk to me on our way home... he initiated the conversation... as usual in his "attitude " tone... he who thinks he's all-so-mighty... he's just trying to save his face by trying to tell me there'll not be any hard feelings against him... nope, no hard feelings against him, but i still hated his guts! he thinks he's so great? Mr casanova? he's not even comparable to Ken! yah, but i guessed i acted too friendly after awhile, asking him whether he've been clubbing recently and me trying to show off that i've been clubbing too, but i guessed he's not impressed... well, wait till i see him around with ken... see, who's the one who shd have hard feelings against who!
yah, so i was quite affected by the sight of him... yup, me called ken on sun night to talk... then realised that he was hanging around the same place as we did for dinner! shd've asked him where he went so that i could've met him, so that i don't need to go home with Mr "almighty"... maybe i could even show off Ken to Mr "almighty"! hmph... :(
dear ken was talking abt how he got knocked out on sat night, how much he spent on the drinks with his cousins... omigod! it's so shockingly, freakingly expensive! guess he must be real rich... went to shangri-la for lunch leh!! and there i was, eating porridge at home? ha ha...
not that i wanna pig out at some luxurious hotel, but i think that's too extravagant, think we're from two different world... yup, he's like further to me than it seems once i know more of him... the more i think about our differences, the more i think i shd not bear any romantic thoughts about him...
been testing the waters last nite with him thru sms... trying to see whether i can get him say something like "even if u're fat, i'll still want u..." ha ha... but then it's kinda difficult to get him to catch the bait... hmm... try harder... :P yup, failed at getting a fish on line last nite... next time then...
sch's started... i'm starting to feel the stress... mid term dates, essays to hand in during mid term, readings, buying of text... argh!! and still haven't handed over for my eca which means i'll still be bothered by my eca stuffs... when will my agony end? (tho it's just like the start) :P
| posted by clouds at 2:21 PM
Saturday, August 09, 2003
Yesterday was literally on sms chat with him for the whole day! continued on to today... oh well, but life is so boring without anything to do... or rather not wanting to do anything else other than chatting with him?
was glad that i lost 0.4 kg at the gym yesterday... now? i think i gained it back again, but was quite impressed with myself, i can actually lose 0.4kg in a day? ha ha... was quite proud of myself, managed to run for 1 hr! and the sauna was soo relaxing...tempted to signup, but no, i have to be firm... there are always cheaper alternatives to keep fit, like swimming eh? but swimming makes me look so tanned and i hate being called dark clouds :P
i'm not fat? but i dun think i'm thin either... and he was telling me how unfat i was, and he thought i was an S? ha ha... sorry, but i'm just an M... and then he was tempting me with Mac last nite... luckily i didn't eat anything else after my dinner last nite... *give myself a pat on my back* although i shouldn't even have eaten my dinner too...
It's National Day today... looking forward to the fireworks later tonight... really wished someone would go watch fireworks with me... but guess i'll be at home watching the NDP instead... haiz...
| posted by clouds at 1:32 PM
Thursday, August 07, 2003
since when did i become so calculative? he haven't msg me since tue evening... so what? if u wanna hear from him, do msg him, rite? of cos i shouldn't do that... at least, i mustn't be too irritating... nope, i'm going to switch off my hp soon... don't care about him...
i think our fate has run out already... though he "feels that everything is going on well between us" i think that means as friends eh? really feel like meeting up with him after so long... but he didn't initiate anything else, so i guess he have found someone else to talk to from his recent visit to the club? oh well, but i really think he's a decent guy despite his background... maybe i'm just wrong...
tomorrow i gotta miss cross training, cos my tuition is rescheduled :( disappointment... she always do this to me... haiz...
tomorrow's driving is nothing to look forward to too.. sure get scolded like crazy by my instructor...:( once again, i won't be concentrating well eh?
so, when is he calling?
tomorrow is national day's eve... sat is national day... it's gonna be so boring if i'm not going anywhere... :(
| posted by clouds at 11:49 PM
another one of the monotonous days when i'm fully engaged, yet felt so thoroughly empty...
yup, full day of duty, which means full day of staring at the computer screen, surfing the net, waiting for fats to settle in my tummy... yada yada... and later i have tuition AGAIN... yup, been going to the same house the second day in a row... but yeah, i enjoyed it better than watching tv at home... at least i my brain cells get to work, and most importantly, i get my pocket money to spend... hee~
looking forward to tomorrow... no, not the driving lesson, but the trip to the gym again... planning on doing cross training... something like aerobics i heard from Anne, hope it's fun... and i get to work out... argh, really dread having to rush to tuition after my trip to the gym... but well, i shouldn't be complaining since i get to earn my keeps right? oh well, but tomorrow is just the 1st lesson for her so it's a long way to pay day :(
he still haven't msg me since tues... i'm bored, bored without a person to msg to... wat's he doing now? maybe he found someone else to talk to, rather than me, this crybaby... he must be scared of me... i cry too easily? no, i don't agree with that... i'm a strong girl, at least i think i appear to be... but last week, my weak side is totally exposed! i hate to appear to be weak, but i am...
i resolve to be strong from today onwards... independent... i can jolly well watch a movie on my own... i can go to the gym alone... i can go swimming alone... i can travel alone... i don't need anyone... or rather, i hope i don't need anyone... i wish i could be more independent, i wish... but in reality, i'm really afraid to be alone, loneliness kills... at least for me... i have to be alone... i'll think a lot, and i'll fantasize too much...
| posted by clouds at 4:17 PM
Wednesday, August 06, 2003
It's been more than one wk since i last blogged... Lotsa things have happened. Unfortunately, it's nothing to be happy about...
Let's start from Mon then, last mon... Nope we didn't go out... cos i'm going home for dinner, and he's having dinner with his parents too...
Wed was when everything changed... no, nothing happened between him and i... but i was totally depressed... my grandpa passed away... i never thought i could cry in front of ppl, but i did, and i cried a lot... when i heard the bad news from my uncle, i was stunned, in shock... didn't know how to tell my mum and dad... Grandpa was fine when we visited him on Sunday? i can't accept it... and i really dread informing my mum about the bad news... i wanted to be beside my mum when she hears it, just like how much i hope someone would give me a reassuring hug when i got to hear the news... i was really heart broken... rushed to my grandpa's and the scene just got stuck in my mind till now... no, he didn't suffer before he died which made it more reassuring? he just lay lifeless on the bathroom floor after his bath... when i reached my grandpa's house, my mum brought me to see him, i just kneeled down and sobbed... it's too saddening...
and so that night, i called ken, intending to tell him that i can't make it on fri... the thought of giving him a fake excuse about why i'm not going didn't come across my mind... he called me back instead cos he didn't pick up his phone when i called him... and my voice just broke when i was abt to start... i started sobbing before i even got the idea across... i guess he was really shocked, but i was equally depressed, the reality haven't really sunk in then... i apologised for not being able to make it... but he was quite understanding, and he sounded quite worried about me... i asked him to talk about other things, just to cheer me up and keep my mind off things... so he went on about his life in the states, his house overlooking Hollywood and Disneyland, about the mountain lodges etc etc... think i was distracted for a while then...
the next morning, he called and asked whether i was alright, and i was fine after the night's sleep... surprisingly, i can fall asleep, maybe i was too tired... i was glad that he showed concern, quite touched by him... and again, i was quite worried that he might get punished if he couldn't get a date, but he said everything will be fine, and asked me not to worry...
the next few days, i received a few msg from him just telling me not to hesitate calling him if i needed a listening ear... that the most he can do is listen to me... once again my heart flutters...
called him on sat nite, asked him about the social nite thing, cos i was staying overnite at the funeral parlour, and felt quite bored... sun will be the funeral, and i know i will be extremely depressed the next day... and then our conversation was interrupted by another of his incoming call... so i went to sleep even before he got to call me back...
sun was really a tedious and depressing day for all of us... the sight of my grandpa's coffin being pushed in for cremation really broke my heart, and my mum was so sad, i had to hold on to her, i was hugging her so tightly, scared that she'll break down... trying to reassure her, in the meantime, nursing my own broken heart... i really cried a lot on sun, grandpa's leaving us for good... i really miss him...
Sun afternoon, when i was taking my bath, he called again... said he was sorry that he didn't call back the nite before, but i said it's ok cos i slept before that too... resumed talking to him after my bath, cried again when he asked me how was my day... reliving that day's scenes was especially painful.. no, i wasn't fine, although i insisted that i was, i knew i don't sound like it... once again, i asked him to talk, don't feel like talking much, so i did the hearing... yes i felt better after talking to him, gets my mind off things i guess...
sun night, i was feeling much much better, called meilin to talk about things... yup, she's helping me evaluate what has happened between him and i over the past few days... i guess i felt quite fortunate to have someone who cared and no matter how much i said about not trying to put any feelings in it... i think i'm moved...
didn't hear from him the whole of mon, but then he did msg me after midnight on tue... asking me whether i'm feeling better... i'm really much much better... doing things really gets my mind out of the depression... i hate to be alone... bus trips are always so depressing, being alone at home, i'll tend to think about things... even listening to the radio helps a bit...
went planet fitness with ling yesterday... the workout really helps a lot in putting my mind off things, plus the shopping really makes me forget wat's been made a reality... i was quite impressed by ling's determination to lose weight, she succeeded! i'm quite happy for her, a bit jealous eh? well, she's achieved wat she's always dreamt of, and i'm so proud of her...
i miss talking to him... all those days of chatting on the phone makes me yearn for his hug... i needed his hug when i was down, but he's just not beside me... where is he now? what's he doing now? he haven't msg me since yesterday...
traumatic week for me, but i pulled thru'...
| posted by clouds at 4:42 PM
