Wednesday, August 06, 2003
It's been more than one wk since i last blogged... Lotsa things have happened. Unfortunately, it's nothing to be happy about...
Let's start from Mon then, last mon... Nope we didn't go out... cos i'm going home for dinner, and he's having dinner with his parents too...
Wed was when everything changed... no, nothing happened between him and i... but i was totally depressed... my grandpa passed away... i never thought i could cry in front of ppl, but i did, and i cried a lot... when i heard the bad news from my uncle, i was stunned, in shock... didn't know how to tell my mum and dad... Grandpa was fine when we visited him on Sunday? i can't accept it... and i really dread informing my mum about the bad news... i wanted to be beside my mum when she hears it, just like how much i hope someone would give me a reassuring hug when i got to hear the news... i was really heart broken... rushed to my grandpa's and the scene just got stuck in my mind till now... no, he didn't suffer before he died which made it more reassuring? he just lay lifeless on the bathroom floor after his bath... when i reached my grandpa's house, my mum brought me to see him, i just kneeled down and sobbed... it's too saddening...
and so that night, i called ken, intending to tell him that i can't make it on fri... the thought of giving him a fake excuse about why i'm not going didn't come across my mind... he called me back instead cos he didn't pick up his phone when i called him... and my voice just broke when i was abt to start... i started sobbing before i even got the idea across... i guess he was really shocked, but i was equally depressed, the reality haven't really sunk in then... i apologised for not being able to make it... but he was quite understanding, and he sounded quite worried about me... i asked him to talk about other things, just to cheer me up and keep my mind off things... so he went on about his life in the states, his house overlooking Hollywood and Disneyland, about the mountain lodges etc etc... think i was distracted for a while then...
the next morning, he called and asked whether i was alright, and i was fine after the night's sleep... surprisingly, i can fall asleep, maybe i was too tired... i was glad that he showed concern, quite touched by him... and again, i was quite worried that he might get punished if he couldn't get a date, but he said everything will be fine, and asked me not to worry...
the next few days, i received a few msg from him just telling me not to hesitate calling him if i needed a listening ear... that the most he can do is listen to me... once again my heart flutters...
called him on sat nite, asked him about the social nite thing, cos i was staying overnite at the funeral parlour, and felt quite bored... sun will be the funeral, and i know i will be extremely depressed the next day... and then our conversation was interrupted by another of his incoming call... so i went to sleep even before he got to call me back...
sun was really a tedious and depressing day for all of us... the sight of my grandpa's coffin being pushed in for cremation really broke my heart, and my mum was so sad, i had to hold on to her, i was hugging her so tightly, scared that she'll break down... trying to reassure her, in the meantime, nursing my own broken heart... i really cried a lot on sun, grandpa's leaving us for good... i really miss him...
Sun afternoon, when i was taking my bath, he called again... said he was sorry that he didn't call back the nite before, but i said it's ok cos i slept before that too... resumed talking to him after my bath, cried again when he asked me how was my day... reliving that day's scenes was especially painful.. no, i wasn't fine, although i insisted that i was, i knew i don't sound like it... once again, i asked him to talk, don't feel like talking much, so i did the hearing... yes i felt better after talking to him, gets my mind off things i guess...
sun night, i was feeling much much better, called meilin to talk about things... yup, she's helping me evaluate what has happened between him and i over the past few days... i guess i felt quite fortunate to have someone who cared and no matter how much i said about not trying to put any feelings in it... i think i'm moved...
didn't hear from him the whole of mon, but then he did msg me after midnight on tue... asking me whether i'm feeling better... i'm really much much better... doing things really gets my mind out of the depression... i hate to be alone... bus trips are always so depressing, being alone at home, i'll tend to think about things... even listening to the radio helps a bit...
went planet fitness with ling yesterday... the workout really helps a lot in putting my mind off things, plus the shopping really makes me forget wat's been made a reality... i was quite impressed by ling's determination to lose weight, she succeeded! i'm quite happy for her, a bit jealous eh? well, she's achieved wat she's always dreamt of, and i'm so proud of her...
i miss talking to him... all those days of chatting on the phone makes me yearn for his hug... i needed his hug when i was down, but he's just not beside me... where is he now? what's he doing now? he haven't msg me since yesterday...
traumatic week for me, but i pulled thru'...
| posted by clouds at 4:42 PM
