Thursday, March 23, 2006
yesterday was one of the worst days of my life.. many things didn't go well, didn't go on up to my expectations..
- i had things to print early in the morning before lessons started but yet my sis sounded so damn kiam pa by saying why im so selfish that i want to go to sch 1st when the order is always im in the middle. damn angry with her i left home early to take a cab to sch. i hate it when every morning, 1st thing she say to me is something that'll ruin my mood. telling me this and that i didn't do, telling me that i drive really horribly, telling me that i shdn't wear this outfit, telling me that i'm slow, every little thing that she feels im wrong.
- then in sch, the stupid photostating machine was so bloody slow and spoilt it took a super long time to print. and i hate it to have no time to rest b4 lessons.
- i feel so sad that i did not get notification to sign the contract with MOE whereas my colleague is going to sign it this Sat
- i didn't know whether it's becos i got affect by this that i had super bad mood for all my lessons. i screamed, shouted, scolded them. but cos they were noisy, not paying attention, all over the place. i was so damn irritated by all of them. the saving grace was that one of my normal tech class, the last period, i had their lesson.. was teaching them and almost everyone knows how to do. they were very nice kids, nice to me, and wanted so much to learn, cooperated so much with me.
- after sch, i realised that a deadline is near. but the thing i'm supposed to do is that i dun like, and dunno how to do. i think it's not necessary but i had to do it.
- all this stress in school put me in such an imbalance, that i didn't know that that is called "stress" until when i went for facial.
- facial was agonisingly painful. but i was quite able to withstand the pain. i need to get well (my face) but i dunno why it's beyond my control. but there was 1 point she asked me what time i sleep and wake up and she told me that's no enough, my skin needs time to rest, recover. but i can't, i had to do work. i had to mark papers, i had to cream my face, i had to do this do that. i felt so stressed, i started crying.. the pain from the facial is the smokescreen for my tears.. but in the end, i couldn't stop tearing, even aft i left the beauty salon. i sat by the road in the dim and dark bus stop, but my tears keep coming.
- i thought of my life, i thought of job, i thought of how much i've acheived so far, and how much i can't acheive even if i try real hard. i thought of going away to some place alone to think about things, to escape from this crazy world and crazy people. i feel quite psychotic that i think at 1 point in time i needed a psychiatrist.
- and when i went back home, my mum was mumbling about how we dun help her do housework and this and that.. i really wanted to help, but i'm so stressed up, i have things to do, i'm v tired.. i understand she's also v tired when she return home, she needs to cook for us, she needs to wash the clothes and do other household chores. but if she really needs me to help, i'm sorry to say i can only help if i quit this job (which im really considering) it's really driving me crazy! and it's not that we need the money she's earning now, why can't she just stay at home to be the housewife? at least it takes off some stress from my household.
- so i was crying and crying when i fed the rabbits, i was crying and crying when i sat on the toilet bowl, i was crying and crying when i was washing my face, i was crying and crying when i bathed. finally i stopped crying at bath. i feel so psychotic. am i going crazy??
In conclusion, i feel that im going crazy, i feel that the world is unfair and it's just my opinion, dun get affected. haha.. today im ok, with a big headache cos i slept late last nite and an undying desire to fall sick since monday. and why am i still so strong?? wish me luck to get sick. gimme a break..
| posted by clouds at 11:39 AM
