Sunday, September 12, 2004
i hate the feeling of not being able to understand anything that's going on in my classes. i tried and tried but to no avail. i want to be able to do my tutorials but i can't! issit cos i haven't tried hard enough?
i hate to be emotional, overly stressed up.. with sis hounding me on my back, wanting me to get our PC fixed, and mind u, i spent so much $ on it already! maybe just to lessen my guilt for not being able to get anything done on it, but i really tried my best! maybe it's just me, i'm just incapable, blur, not sensitive enough to my family's feeling? why can't anyone at home understand me either?? i hate myself for snapping at my mum, i hate myself for saying those words that my mum felt hurting, i hate myself for slashing my mum's heart once again.. i tried, but i failed. i can't accept my failure and i go around hurting everyone else. i'm just a failure. maybe when u love someone a lot, it's easier to hurt the person. and i'm just a coward, cowering in my own space (or do i have any personal space in fact!?), i'm shirking responsibility by staying out so much, giving tuitions so much, in fact, i just hate to be here in my messy room! i wanna get out of here soon, i wanna be free of all these worries..
and maybe that's why i'm relying so much on my dear nowadays. i cry to my dear when i'm bullied at home, i cry to my dear when the stress is too heavy for me to bear, i make dear worry for me, i make dear hold me tight, cos i dun wan to lose this pillar of strength. just found out a fren just broke up with her bf of 6 yrs. she's devestated, heartbroken.. don't feel like living on. now i think i can understand her feeling. don't ever leave me, dear..
| posted by clouds at 2:12 PM
