Thursday, August 19, 2004
do u view friendship in this way? like how much this person is worth for ur attention, ur commitment, ur concern? i hate it this way. friendship shouldn't be giving how much u think ur friend would commit rite? somehow, i would feel that if u really treat someone as ur friend, someone whom u can share secrets with, someone whom u can talk about ur innermost feelings with, then that shouldn't be even in ur consideration rite?
but maybe i'm wrong... there're actually pple who feels that friends are only for lending homework to copy, asking ur help when they're stuck, sucking on ur gossips when they're bored, and asking u out only when she's bored and noone else she can find to go out with? this is terribly wrong!
some will say that i'm being too accomodating, letting ppl take advantage of me, and being not a gd judge of frens. initially i felt that being frens, i do not require any reward, anything in return from that person. that is wat i always thought it will be, but it's not! i mean i thought our friendship would be one that both of us make an effort to keep in contact, to help each other in times of need... it must happen in both ways!! i mean i can't possibly keep being gd to her without she helping me just a teeny weeny bit??
i'm not being calculative here, but i really just feel quite betrayed, when something as simple as passing me a book from one friend to me can be rejected, and ask me to do it on my own. i mean, if i were in her shoes, i'll gladly help. and she needs conditions to help me!! wat a joke! i need to be v convenient for her, i need to pick up her calls (when i'm giving tuition!!)... i mean so that's how much she values me as her friend??
i'm not typing this in fury, just felt sad that what i've been putting in in this friendship is not getting a v nice reciprocation. i mean, i really dun expect her to help me if it's going to be a v heavy book, if she lives faraway... and come to think of it, i really got tired having to accomodate to her meeting times (only she can be late, i can't!), having to accomodate for her moods (if she dun feel like gg out, if it's raining, then dun go out!), and her not suggesting to meet up with me, always i taking the initiative... i think i got the message. that i'm no longer of use to her, she no longer needs me to help her in her assignments, no longer needs me to help her zap notes... so i better get lost? out of her life? well, at least not abruptly. just gradually... yes, v gradually.. i mean i hate smsing her how she's doing and she doesn't really volunteers much of herself, other than say she's fine? i feel like i'm a irritating nosey parker..
well, i hate this feeling, of another friend going away, out of my life. but well, when the milk has turned bad, u really can't drink it anymore.. it's a matter of keeping it in the fridge until u can't stand it then u dump it, when u feel lazy to handle these dirty matters, or just dump it straight out! well, i guess im lazy to deal with anything like that for the moment, so i'll chill it...
| posted by clouds at 12:34 AM
