Friday, March 18, 2005
friends are not like hotels..
~Friends are not like hotels~You can't just check out of a friendship when you enter into a relationship -By Janice Wong
SHE used to be my classmate.
We shared the same hobbies, borrowed each other's lecture notes and had long telephone conversations.
All that changed when she had a boyfriend. She would cancel our appointments whenever he asked her out.
The first time it happened, I shrugged it off and even squealed in excitement for her. The second time it happened, I was annoyed but only remarked casually that I seemed to be on her B-list of friends. The third time it happened, I swore never to ask her out again.
She did not make amends. I guess the growing distance between friends can't be felt when one seems joined at the hip with one's partner and have him as a companion for all of one's activities.
Then, they broke up. She called me in tears at midnight and I consoled her. All was forgiven. It felt good to put aside petty misgivings and stand steadfastly by a friend in times of adversity. Isn't that what friends are for?
Our friendship resumed. But when she found another man, suddenly, her weekends were reserved again. Whenever I called her, she sounded preoccupied and anxious to get off the phone. Later, she became completely incommunicado.
A year later, I got a call from her; she was distraught. She told me her boyfriend had dumped her and asked that we meet. I declined and ignored her subsequent calls.
I did not say what I was thinking: 'My friendship is not a hotel. You don't walk in and out, as and when you wish.
'No matter how head over heels in love I may be - and no matter how a man's charm may make my hormones rage - it never gets to the point where he takes priority over my close friends.
It's a no-brainer. My friends have proven their mettle and stuck with me through thick and thin, while he has merely entered the picture with goodness-knows-what intentions.
Even if I were married, being with my husband would still not override time spent with my close friends. I know of people who stop seeing certain friends or resort to seeing them on the sly just because their spouses do not approve of them doing so.
A spouse will never be able to support one's emotional needs entirely and he or she has to understand that some of these needs will have to be met outside, by friends.
Friendship brings other problems. As my social circle widens, I find it increasingly difficult to discern who my real friends and fair weather ones are.
I often feel I am invited to parties and sought after as a friend for no other reason than that I am a journalist and can, hopefully, be a means to free publicity.
The more people I know, the lonelier I feel. I am a sentimental soul who prefers the comfort of old friendships which hark back to a time when I was simply Janice, minus the fancy title and trappings.
This is why I am not entirely sure that I did the right thing by quitting that friendship. Was I too demanding? Should I have given her a second chance?
After all, we really got along and it was not like she committed something treacherous like cheating me of my money, betraying a secret or stealing my boyfriend.
Still, I have had enough of being taken for granted. Being single and available does not mean my time is any less valuable than hers.
When it is consistently a case of one person giving and the other person taking, it is time to take stock of the friendship and, perhaps, call it quits.
Like courtship - or even more so - friendship requires time, effort and reciprocity. While courting parties can demand commitment of each other directly, the expectations in a friendship are usually implicit, subtle and unsaid, and as a result, more prone to neglect.
You may love your friends very much, but if they don't hear from you for an extended period of time, it's only human nature that they wonder just how much you really care about them.
As the late civil rights leader Martin Luther King Jr said: 'In the end, we remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.'Don't misunderstand me. Couples who are newly in love are naturally consumed by each other to the exclusion of everything - and everyone - else. I don't begrudge that. I certainly didn't expect my friend to pay as much attention to me as she did when she was single.
I also accept that when life exerts its pressures and one's career picks up pace, some friendships fade away. But I would be happy to rekindle such friendships.
What I bristle at is being relegated to a nobody when romance calls and then being treated like some sort of stop-gap measure when it ends.
So let's take some time out this week to have a drink with a dear old friend, say 'How are you?' and be sincerely interested in finding out how they are.
I have never been so busy or so popular to the extent that I have no time for an old friend. Nor, I pray, will I ever be so.
Hs sent me this email.. it's true that i spent less time with all my galfrens now, but i shall say that i dun spend that much time with my bf as well.. the only time we spent together are the time he sends me home and the time we have lunch or dinner together in sch which is only once(lunch) or twice(dinner) a week. sometimes for a movie or lunch on the wkends..
as every1 else gets busy with their life, like my working frens, whom i only meet like once in 2 months, i tend to withdraw into the comforts of my own home, the maths lab or the library.. trying to catch up with my work, trying to not be a nuisance to anyone's life. my schooling frens are all so stressed up, including my dear, that i dun dare ask them for lunch anymore. somemore, it's rather troublesome to arrange a lunch meeting with them and they might think that becos my bf is not accompanying for lunch then i ask them. but if u ever do ask me for lunch, i'll surely be able to make it if i'm in sch and not booked for lunch. sometimes, ppl find having lunches with frens a waste of time, but it's actually time well-spent, being able to connect with ur frens, update each other on ur lives.
in short, please do not assume that i need time with my dear and stop asking me out. i'm always free, but then u all assume i go out with my dear or wat.. i dun understand why??
| posted by clouds at 8:13 AM
