Saturday, July 08, 2006
the grumpy old woman i'm talking abt is no other one but me. all i do is complain, complain, complain! it won't do u gd if i go out with u. no wonder ppl no longer asks me out.
i will complain abt sch, i will complain abt life, i will complain abt family, i will complain abt friends. typical s'porean? i think so. but i think i'm 100 x worse, cos i'll irritate the person whom i'm complaining to. cos i go round and round and round and round abt the same topic. ppl who care a lot abt me will feel heartache for me. and will also get a headache afterwards. ppl who dun care so much abt me will prolly doze off.
i think i'm being unreasonable, but i am who i am, like it or not. i hate it myself, but i dun think i will improve by alot. yah, here i am complaining abt my complaints. typical yun-behaviour. so much so sometimes i go into deep depression, lying on my bed and cry for an hour and try to push negative thoughts out. yet, the negative thoughts grew more negative and i will cry until i sleep till the next day. the next day i'll still be reminded of these (with my swollen eyes) and then i will start to feel sorry for myself again. and then i will be depressed the whole day until i do something that takes my mind off things.
if i'm turning u ppl off, i'm sorry.. i think i'm getting a bit autistic down here. cos i dun feel like toking abt my troubles, and if i really do say them, i'll get really upset abt it that i dun feel like seeing the light and face the corner of my room. i will sob and cry until my nose becomes rummy, and i can't talk. i will hide my tears frm my family and sms my dear abt it. then he will console me, scold me and feel really frustrated abt me. i think that's my way of pushing ppl out of my life. cos i self-destruct, self-degrade, have low self-esteem and i feel like escaping.
somehow i wish there was a capsule to throw me into isolation, dun need to teply to any smses, dun need to send SOS smses. like for that moment, ppl will not remember my existence, i can clear my negative thoughts and carry on with life aft that. before this capsule is invented, let me suffer on my own. i have to learn it the hard way.
dun ask me wat i'm depressed in, cos i dun understand why am i so easily affected, dun ask me becos it will spark my negative thoughts. i will only complain and complain without making improvements. prolly u can kill me if the negative thots dun distance themselves from me.
dun worry frens, i'll be fine aft awhile. as usual, isn't it? just ignore me.
| posted by clouds at 12:54 AM
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