Thursday, June 19, 2003
Extremely disappointed with myself today... Played someone out on a dinner date, cos i chickened out at the last minute... I was feeling extremely low morale today, saw photographs taken of him, i was in some of them too... I really can't forgive myself for even thinking about him in the least romantic sense... I must be blinded by all the "sweet" things that he did... When i snap out of it, and think about it more carefully, i realised that i've been shortchanged... he's not cute or anything, he's just a superbly, egoistic, "think-he's-so-great "jerk! Maybe i'm attracted to him by how he has got a career of his own, a future that looks so promising *argh! he still keeps coming on and offline from icq! distracting*, sometimes i just want to open up to him more...
Boy, am i glad i haven't told him my darkest secret, or my wildest dreams. I haven't fallen head over heels for him, neither am i losing sleep over him... i just don't know how to face the world now that i've been "dumped" (used the word "dumped" cos we're technically not together) when he said that he's breaking contact totally from me, and when everyone thinks something is going on between us *seriously, i dunno how everyone thinks, and i dunno whether he has proudly declared that he has "dumped" me* The reason? anyone interseted to know? Cos "Angel" is jealous that i've been going out with him too often. Angel has never been in any of the conversations we shared till the day he messaged me, at 0135, telling me that he's breaking ALL contacts from me? I mean i knew about the existence of Angel, but he should have said that he still likes her and everything, and i can just go out with him on the basis as a friend? Now, he's making everything so absolute, i really can't believe i lost a friend just overnite! not knowing whether the reason he gave was really the truth...
I was feeling rather down last week, so i agreed haphazardly for dinner with this icq friend whom i've never met before, but sounded real desperate after knowing him online for about 1 year. Today, i realised how stupid i am, that i don't need any tom, dick and harry to be my boyfriend... I'm just sorry to play him out, almost close to using him as a tool to forget how disgraceful i've been... Or should he be the one feeling disgraced? cos he's the one making use of me?
Anyway, these are just outdated news i guess... I'm now enjoying singlehood more than ever, with ocassional dates with guys, who can treat me nicely as a gal... And i've suddenly starting to enjoy flirting with guys... Not all things are absolute, that's wat i've learnt... Life goes on, for better or for worse... I've changed, really changed...
| posted by clouds at 11:48 PM
